Velveteen

It has been a long break between posts and today I am wondering if it was an act of blocking, denying, avoiding or just a word drought.  Maybe it is a combination or maybe it was just life.

Today is one of those days that I am feeling a sad nostalgic romantic sense of "why"'.  In the words of Candida Doyle & Jarvis Cocker, I sit here wondering..

What is this feeling called love?
Why me? Why you?
Why here? Why now?

Life is strange.  You get up, do what you need to do and somehow it creates a private internal world between yourself and those you care to share it with.  It sounds logical but also complicated.

What world have I created for myself?
I actually don't really know the answer to this.  Can you answer this?

If I am totally honest, I think I have made some epic mistakes.  I have probably also made some wise decisions along the way but for the most part, I think I mucked up the plan. Life was meant to be (in my imagination) a rich, deep, deliciously messy, whirlwind of chaos. I carry myself as if this might be the case but is it really just living in velveteen?

If self esteem is built on a sense of worth, which has been derived from a sense of purpose or achievement then yeah, I have had my challenges but I think I do ok.  And purpose is the reason we all get up each day right?  So where is the missing link and why can't I access it?
Where, what and why is the longing for the luscious velvet to wrap myself in?

Where a deepest love

exists in the richest shade

where an acute pain

exists in the masquerade

For it was velvet

that she dreamed of

And it was velvet

that she danced with

At night. A vivid darkness

Positioned in burgundy, mulberry,

pure and untouched

An unconditional sanctuary

white

According to colour psychology, "white is color at its most complete and pure, the color of perfection. White is purity, innocence, wholeness and completion.  In color psychology white is the color of new beginnings, wiping the slate clean, so to speak. It is the blank canvas waiting to be written upon. While white isn't stimulating to the senses, it opens the way for the creation of anything the mind can conceive.

Today, May 29 is a day to wear something white in support of those that suffer from mental illness & those who have lost loved ones to suicide.

White is close to my heart today.

As you most likely know if you follow this blog, I lost my dearest true love to suicide in 2009.  A day has not passed where I do not think of him, talk about him and remember that horrid day.  I have also reconnected with someone from my youth whom I love deeply because they lost someone to suicide in that same year.  Through the horror that we both lived, we came back together and are closer than ever.  I cannot imagine my life without this amazing friend.  We are connected, unconditionally for the rest of our days.  I also made many friends online through a support group I created after Daniel's suicide.  They have helped shape who I have become today.  

The suicide of someone you love quite possibly is the worst thing that anyone can experience.  It is traumatic beyond comprehension.  The silver lining of the experience for me is that I learnt so much about who my true friends are, about my own mental illness and also my own strength.  Something that continues to be tested as the years pass by.  If I was ever tempted to have my future told and I was warned of the trying times I would experience, I am not sure I would be here today or at very least here with the strength that I have.

This past week I have had the fright of my life, being investigated for cancer.  My initial reaction when told "this doesn't look good" was one of complete and total shock.  I would sit and stare and cry randomly and then nothing. I was freezing, no amount of layering, blankets (including the electric one on the bed) would keep me warm. I couldn't eat or drink and would stop talking mid sentence because it was all too much for my wee brain.  I reminded myself of how I was after finding Daniel. I worried about work falling behind, I worried about the impact I would have on my family and I was horrified that there was a possibility that the beacon of light in my life, a boy I would die for, would have to see me sick.  He has enough on his plate with his own anxieties and I did not want to add to that!

There was a little voice in my mind that gently whispered "you can get through this because right now you are, in fact, ok".  I said to one of my best friends, "we are ok even in our final breath".  Slightly morbid but also a beautiful fact.  It was this that got me through a week of ultrasounds, CT scans, MRIs, blood work and internal examinations.  I recalled how I beat acute anorexia in adulthood, how I learnt to live with the suicide of Daniel only 6 months into a stable recovery from the anorexia, how I somehow, through every dark shadow that I have ever carried, survived.  I reminded myself that my heroine once called me a "warrior woman".  I called on the support of all of my friends and family.  Whatever the outcome, I was going to be ok. Why? Because I was (and am) ok in this very fucking moment.  Things are looking good on the results front and while I am still a bit anxious, I can at least start to breath again.  Thank goodness for the stellar people I have in my life whom I can lean on time and time again.

During this week I decided to only deal with the current minute and make no plans for what would happen later that day or in the future.  I did not allow my mind to get ahead of itself.  There was no point for the only thing I had control of was that minute.  And really, that is all we ever have.  This is a major shift for me.  A new beginning.  I am sick to death of negativity and I don't want to be a part of it.  Of course, I am a sarcastic cynic and that will never change but this focus that society and people have on the shitty things in life (and lets be totally honest here... there are WAYYYYY too many bad things going on in the world), I am breaking away from it.  I can't be fucked with it.  It is too draining and fuck it! I want good things!

So today, I wear white for survivors, for those who struggle, for my story, for your story and for new beginnings.  Who or why are you wearing white for?

12/ words & phrases

Two words/phrases that make me laugh.....

Apart from yesterday's "slutty crisp" meme, I don't think there is specifically any words/phrases that crack me up.  It is always about timing & tone. Right?

I do however have favourite words and I love Latin phrases.  

I am particularly fond of the word 'defongerate' (thank you to my dear late Pa) which means (in his words) 'to fuck off quickly'.

And being the nerd that I proudly am, I have an app of Latin phrases.
My favourite phrase being 'per ardua ad astra' which translates to 'from adversity to the stars'.  This phrase I have tattooed on my left inside wrist to remind me that when things are at their worst there can be (and will) a silver lining because great things can be produced out of a crisis.

    

11/ Current relationship....

A few days break as I was away on holidays but I am back to continue the challenge with a topic that I have touched on in a recent post... relationships. 


Technically, I would be classed as single.  I say 'technically' as I wonder how long one can class themselves as 'widowed' , especially when I was widowed at a young age.  

I am confused by partnerships and wonder why we cannot (or do not) do it alone.  When we are in a relationship are we no longer an individual? Some people do morph into each other.  It baffles me.  Where do their own beliefs and joys go?  Is it part of the sacrifice one makes for the bigger picture of their life?  As I said, it baffles me.

My history of relationships is one full of dramatics and when I think 'would I ever allow another relationship in my life?', I think of all the stress and drama and compromises and I come up with a very simple 'No!' (If only things were so black and white!).  

Of course, not all relationships are bad and not all parts of my own history are bad.  There are many many pros to being in a partnership with another human.  There are the financial, the emotional and the social pros.  And yeah, sometimes I do miss aspects of these things.  I miss being able to discuss the state of the world (political and environmental), the frustrations of the day and having that shoulder to lean on during a crisis.  

I met my fiance when I was in a phase of wanting to run away and live on a farm with cows, horses, dogs and cats (no humans!).  I was all set and ready to leave this rat race and not carry the burden of human interactions.  I didn't run away.  I stayed.  Love was greater.

Being alone, it is hard.  I will not lie.
But for me.....  Relationships make me second guess myself, they make me bat shit crazy.  I constantly wonder/worry what the other person thinks.  I drive myself insane trying to please them.  I feel intense guilt for wanting to do things on my own or with my friends without 'them'.  I can become jealous and paranoid and feel like an out of control lunatic!  When I am single I am not these things.  I am strong and independent and proud (for the most part) of the things I have accomplished.  I can speak up and out without fear of persecution. I can lay about in my pyjamas all day with my beloved animals or I can go for a long drive and clear my mind.  I can make plans or I can live spontaneously.  I can go on holidays with whomever I please, whenever I please as long as the bank account agrees.  I can do all of this without having to consult another person.  Being in a stable relationship with myself is something I am immensely protective of.  It isn't  always easy living with me.  I can be down right horrid to myself at times but building the trust towards and within myself is crucial for my survival.  It is no secret that I don't hold the human race in high regard, I am however, very lucky to have some amazing humans in my life that I would never want to be without.

All in all...
Can I see myself in another long term relationship?  Not really.
Would I reject it if the right person came along? I think I would make it difficult to break down the barriers but if they are the right person, that wont matter ;)

How do you view your history with relationships?
Do you change when in a relationship?
Is your life enriched within your current status (whatever that may be)?..........

10 facts...

10 'interesting' facts about me that you may or may not know.....

1/ Long fingernails nauseate me, especially the sound they make on a keyboard. Urgh! (shudders).

2/ I am confused by humans. Their actions & priorities seem out of sync compared to other animals. 

3/ I enjoy doing things that I am scared of.  The thrill is intense!

4/ I wish I was vegan again but feel I am too lazy/disorganised.  I am ashamed to admit this & am aware it's a lame cop out.

5/ I leave the tv/radio on for my pets when I go out at night.

6/ When I was a kid, I loved working out how far away a storm was (by calculating the number of seconds between a lightening strike & a crack of thunder).

7/ The texture of yogurt freaks me out.  I feel like I am eating slime!

8/ My pride is my weakness.

9/ I have an intense fear that I will die alone.

10/ I hate attention but love standing out in a crowd. 

Try this about yourself

Consider sharing it vs keeping it private

Would your facts differ?......

first loves...

Apparently you never get over your first love.  However, I don't remember my first love as some big monumentus event that impacted my view of future relationships.  Looking back on it now, it was probably your typical teenage experience.  Yes, I was most likely excited about the prospect of having a boyfriend and of course I remember my first kiss.  Again, not mind blowing! ;)

Sure, I had a few boyfriends before I entered a long term relationship.  To be honest, they were jerks.  If I am totally honest, I was probably a jerk too! (Nobody is cool in their teens... Nobody!). Those early relationships taught me a lot about the influence of peers (or attempted influence).  I learnt that love can turn you into a paranoid psychopath.  Friends, books, movies and TV never warned me about that.  They taught me about myself, about who I am, what I expect and how obsessive I can become.  I learnt that love can break your heart in ways you could never imagine.  I am still learning about that. (Do we ever stop learning that?)

Today I am a bit jaded by the whole love-thang.  Maybe there has been too much devastation, betrayal and loss?  The idea of it (in a relationship context) is 'nice' and I am glad other people experience it as a positive but for me.... right now.... relationships = pain and I am not ready for more of that.  The love I get from my friends, family, animals and a few little people that I adore beyond words, they are enough to get me by.... well, not always but I accept the limitations.

Who was your first love?
Did it shape you?
Do you remember it fondly... or not?
How do you feel about it now?

memories

My first memory is of my 2nd birthday party.

We were at Melbourne Zoo, my first time there apparently.  I vividly remember running around the grassy area near the lion enclosure and I heard that magnificent ROAR! Mum says I was besotted with the almighty lion from that day forward.  Even today, I am facinated by them and could watch them for hours on end.

And just like the lion,
I am fiercly protective and loyal and

I enjoy lazing about with my pride (cats & dog).

What is your first memory?

How did it shape you?

Do you remember it fondly?