11/ Current relationship....

A few days break as I was away on holidays but I am back to continue the challenge with a topic that I have touched on in a recent post... relationships. 


Technically, I would be classed as single.  I say 'technically' as I wonder how long one can class themselves as 'widowed' , especially when I was widowed at a young age.  

I am confused by partnerships and wonder why we cannot (or do not) do it alone.  When we are in a relationship are we no longer an individual? Some people do morph into each other.  It baffles me.  Where do their own beliefs and joys go?  Is it part of the sacrifice one makes for the bigger picture of their life?  As I said, it baffles me.

My history of relationships is one full of dramatics and when I think 'would I ever allow another relationship in my life?', I think of all the stress and drama and compromises and I come up with a very simple 'No!' (If only things were so black and white!).  

Of course, not all relationships are bad and not all parts of my own history are bad.  There are many many pros to being in a partnership with another human.  There are the financial, the emotional and the social pros.  And yeah, sometimes I do miss aspects of these things.  I miss being able to discuss the state of the world (political and environmental), the frustrations of the day and having that shoulder to lean on during a crisis.  

I met my fiance when I was in a phase of wanting to run away and live on a farm with cows, horses, dogs and cats (no humans!).  I was all set and ready to leave this rat race and not carry the burden of human interactions.  I didn't run away.  I stayed.  Love was greater.

Being alone, it is hard.  I will not lie.
But for me.....  Relationships make me second guess myself, they make me bat shit crazy.  I constantly wonder/worry what the other person thinks.  I drive myself insane trying to please them.  I feel intense guilt for wanting to do things on my own or with my friends without 'them'.  I can become jealous and paranoid and feel like an out of control lunatic!  When I am single I am not these things.  I am strong and independent and proud (for the most part) of the things I have accomplished.  I can speak up and out without fear of persecution. I can lay about in my pyjamas all day with my beloved animals or I can go for a long drive and clear my mind.  I can make plans or I can live spontaneously.  I can go on holidays with whomever I please, whenever I please as long as the bank account agrees.  I can do all of this without having to consult another person.  Being in a stable relationship with myself is something I am immensely protective of.  It isn't  always easy living with me.  I can be down right horrid to myself at times but building the trust towards and within myself is crucial for my survival.  It is no secret that I don't hold the human race in high regard, I am however, very lucky to have some amazing humans in my life that I would never want to be without.

All in all...
Can I see myself in another long term relationship?  Not really.
Would I reject it if the right person came along? I think I would make it difficult to break down the barriers but if they are the right person, that wont matter ;)

How do you view your history with relationships?
Do you change when in a relationship?
Is your life enriched within your current status (whatever that may be)?..........

10 facts...

10 'interesting' facts about me that you may or may not know.....

1/ Long fingernails nauseate me, especially the sound they make on a keyboard. Urgh! (shudders).

2/ I am confused by humans. Their actions & priorities seem out of sync compared to other animals. 

3/ I enjoy doing things that I am scared of.  The thrill is intense!

4/ I wish I was vegan again but feel I am too lazy/disorganised.  I am ashamed to admit this & am aware it's a lame cop out.

5/ I leave the tv/radio on for my pets when I go out at night.

6/ When I was a kid, I loved working out how far away a storm was (by calculating the number of seconds between a lightening strike & a crack of thunder).

7/ The texture of yogurt freaks me out.  I feel like I am eating slime!

8/ My pride is my weakness.

9/ I have an intense fear that I will die alone.

10/ I hate attention but love standing out in a crowd. 

Try this about yourself

Consider sharing it vs keeping it private

Would your facts differ?......

first loves...

Apparently you never get over your first love.  However, I don't remember my first love as some big monumentus event that impacted my view of future relationships.  Looking back on it now, it was probably your typical teenage experience.  Yes, I was most likely excited about the prospect of having a boyfriend and of course I remember my first kiss.  Again, not mind blowing! ;)

Sure, I had a few boyfriends before I entered a long term relationship.  To be honest, they were jerks.  If I am totally honest, I was probably a jerk too! (Nobody is cool in their teens... Nobody!). Those early relationships taught me a lot about the influence of peers (or attempted influence).  I learnt that love can turn you into a paranoid psychopath.  Friends, books, movies and TV never warned me about that.  They taught me about myself, about who I am, what I expect and how obsessive I can become.  I learnt that love can break your heart in ways you could never imagine.  I am still learning about that. (Do we ever stop learning that?)

Today I am a bit jaded by the whole love-thang.  Maybe there has been too much devastation, betrayal and loss?  The idea of it (in a relationship context) is 'nice' and I am glad other people experience it as a positive but for me.... right now.... relationships = pain and I am not ready for more of that.  The love I get from my friends, family, animals and a few little people that I adore beyond words, they are enough to get me by.... well, not always but I accept the limitations.

Who was your first love?
Did it shape you?
Do you remember it fondly... or not?
How do you feel about it now?

memories

My first memory is of my 2nd birthday party.

We were at Melbourne Zoo, my first time there apparently.  I vividly remember running around the grassy area near the lion enclosure and I heard that magnificent ROAR! Mum says I was besotted with the almighty lion from that day forward.  Even today, I am facinated by them and could watch them for hours on end.

And just like the lion,
I am fiercly protective and loyal and

I enjoy lazing about with my pride (cats & dog).

What is your first memory?

How did it shape you?

Do you remember it fondly?

5 problems with social media....

It is quite paradoxical that my return to the blog is under the title of "5 problems with social media".  I have taken a major step away from social media over the past six months. Living alone and being a bit of a loner means that I don't see friends as often as they or I would probably like.  Sometimes social media felt like I was out and about in the world but I found that time offline meant that I actually spoke to those close to me more often rather than them just "liking" a post. I also wonder if it kept me awake when I would check it at night when I would go through my bouts of insomnia.

• 1/ The constant, in your face, screaming for attention (aka 'likes"). Do people actually live such dramatic/exciting lives or is it all just for show?  Personally I find it to be a drainer.

• 2/ The need to check what is going on online (or post online) can border on obsessive and inhibits quality time spent in the real world.... doing things one actually enjoys (or needs to do). 

• 3/ May encourage a false sense of importance and by that I mean... self esteem can be effected (at both ends of the scale) depending on number of friends/likes/interactions and so on. 

• 4/ The feeling that you are 'in' someone's life when really you are just commenting on what they are doing rather than being involved 'with' them.  Sometimes it is just 'easier' to sit on the couch and communicate electronically rather than making an effort.

• 5/ Psychologists will tell you that children who use social media have higher rates of depression & anxiety.  In adults, I wonder if we put down our phones and didn't check in for a week, would there also be anxious feelings that would arise?

While all of this sounds uber negative, I don't think social media is all bad.  I have made some amazing friends online, I also get to see what my overseas friends are up to. I get to follow pages that keep me up to date with issues I am interested in and I get to share my musings.

Take from it what you like.  There are pros and there are cons but all in all, like most things, moderation is probably key.  What do you think? How do you use social media? How does social media impact your life?.....

melancholic tails

feeling caged

internally enraged

the blank page

bona fide disengage

the voice timorous

over exposed experience

plagued by indifference

chasing deliverance

black nails

caught in details

when love fails

melancholic tails

six

Being the retrospective type, I feel compelled to mark this day, August 3 with words.
Today is the sixth anniversary of Daniel's suicide and while I am looking at it as "just another day", it does feel a little strange to be at home, sitting in the house where the final act took place. The years have created a distance that makes it ok to sit with this.

As anyone who has experienced trauma would tell you, the lead up to the anniversary brings with it a certain amount of anxiety.  This was me on Saturday.  An uncomfortable feeling of being lost, on edge and uneasy.  I couldn't write, I couldn't paint, I struggled to get dressed to go up to street to buy food.  Surprisingly, I baked an amazing dinner and managed to stay up past 7pm to watch a movie.  In all honesty though, I just wanted the day to be over so that I could start a fresh on Sunday.  Which I did.  Sunday morning I woke up knowing that I needed change.  The time had come for me to take the power back!  By that I mean, accepting the past for what it is and this date as a reminder of true horror that shaped me BUT I needed to reclaim this time in the land of the living.  The day is new and I am in it (whereas he is not), so I chose to own it. 

Me being me, it started with a new hair colour.  With the anxiety starting to sneak up on me, I knew that I couldn't have a repeat of Saturday.  Luckily for me, I knew that there was a free unplugged session on at the Ian Potter Centre (part of the National Gallery).  I was going on my own which was perfect as I just wanted to immerse myself in the moment.  There was something so powerful about hearing the beautiful vocals of Megan Washington be absorbed into the gallery walls.  She is a humble and inspiring woman.  Again, me being me, got my fan girl moment and had a brief chat with her about the relief one feels when the flow of writing returns and girls being girls, we rambled on about hair. Ha! This was the remedy I was looking for.

Today...
I woke up early wishing that this day didn't exist.  Not because I am upset about it but rather that I don't like the power it has over me, that it demands that i think about it, acknowledge it and validate it's importance.  Urgh!  Get up, get dressed, do make up and depart the house.  I met up with my lovely cousin for a chai latte and wandered around the shops. Normal. A few texts of support and I felt ok.  Normal.  Drove around, had a quick chat with a friend who called to make sure all was good (considering the date).

.......The time when we found him has just ticked over.  I thought it would be appropriate to have a glass of wine in memory. This is the first time in six years that I have been in the house at this time, on this day.  Normally I avoid it like the plague.  This year I thought I would confront that because all it really does it maintain the anxiety. Guess what... there is nothing to be anxious about.  That day and that horror has passed and finally it has found a place in my heart where it has nestled in to stay but it is a safe and sacred place that I feel strong enough to carry. Yes, I have my days but today is not one of them.  When they come, as distressing as they are, I know they pass.  Today I get to choose to not to try and relive that day, minute by minute.  Of course, it's there but I know engaging in the memory served no purpose.

Here is the proof of me (being ok) from earlier today. I am happy.  I could not have come this far without some of you (you know who you are and you know how much I love, adore and value you).  What you probably don't know is that I draw on your spirit often, more so on the days that are full of the bleak, the morose and the damn right miserable.  You keep me grounded, you keep me smiling, you keep me striving to challenge my comfort zone.  You keep me wanting more.  You don't know how much I truly love and appreciate......you.  Thank you. Xx