Tuesday, 28 October 2014

you say you want a revolution, yeah well you know, we all wanna change the world....

This is about more than the average mondayitis...

The 9-5 (in my case 8-5 but who is counting hours?) is a fucking drag!  The daily grind of the same old faces (some I adore but most I do not), the same old problems, complaints, drama & lies, lies, lies.  The same old joys that get you through the day, the laughs with friends and the love from the animals.  Come home to the television, it's been designed to dumb you down, numb your mind & keep you distracted.  Go for a walk, look at the sky, dare to dream of freedom.  This is life.  And yeah.. it could be a crap load worse but honestly.. IS.THIS.IT??  Have you been caught asking yourself this question?  I go through cycles of really being disheartened by the roles and rules that we humans play out.  


This isn't about getting a new job or changing the routine or getting out of the house or meeting new people. No! This is about changing something much much bigger than that.  It's not even about me or you, it is about us.  The global us and the lies and the manipulation that is forced down our throats every fucking day!



What am I rambling about?


Debt.  We've all got it.  We all spend our lives trying to pay it back. To be honest, I don't see my days being debt free and in part I think, who cares?  I can take my debts to my grave, then what?  Funny how we spend our lives trying to clear it though right? What you have is an illusion that your weekly pay packet teases you with. Money really is the biggest load of shit that Man ever invented!  The fat cats own it, all of it.  They will tell you we need to tighten our belts and then in the very next breath, they are spending gazillions on themselves.


Environmental threats.  Global warming is a fact.  The Amazon is being raped daily.  You can read more about that here.  How the hell we think that we are going to sustain our current lifestyles within the current climate is beyond me.  The planet is not happy yet we continue to disrespect it constantly (take a minute to think about the products you are endorsing by purchasing them, think about where they came from & who died for them).


Governments.  Do you honestly believe they are in charge? That they make the decisions? We are governed by corporations and money, the politicians are just the faces of the system. They lie to us every day and we accept it because we don't understand it and we don't know how to change it.  It was people like David Icke and Michael Moore that opened my eyes to the bullshit. Who opened your eyes?  And what do you think about how the power operates?

The Joneses.  You have to keep up with them right?  Once upon a time, 'The Joneses' were your neighbours.  You knew them (from a distance), they always had the perfect lawns and new cars.  Today it is keeping up with the Kardashians. What the fuck!!? It seems like social media creates Joneses in all of us.  So called reality television kind of does the same thing.  They make us want to have crap we don't need and be people we don't really deep down, don't want to be.



Personally, I find modern life to be one big fat old lie.  I don't have much faith or interest in it.  And yeah, ok, I wont lie to you, I have been known to love a ridiculously overpriced outfit BUT I am fully aware that it is irrelevant to my long term happiness.  Thus far, life has thrown me many a curve ball to remind me of what I truly want.  Maybe we want the same things, maybe we don't.  The point is that we are TRUE to what we want and don't give in.  I, like you, have given in and sacrificed my own truth (in the interest of pleasing other humans) and while it might have made them happy it sure as shit didn't do much for me.  I'm not preaching selfishness but rather endorsing honesty. I would be insulted if you did something against your truth to make me happy.  Do you think your nearest and dearest hold that view?

I am nobody in the bigger picture and I know that. All this is, is a woman and her laptop with rants about changing the world, my world, and your world but at the end of the day I wont change anything.  I'm not saying anything new but I do long for a revolution on a major scale.  I want things to change for all of us because we (the global we) are not happy.  I know I cannot save or change the world but I have to start somewhere and maybe that somewhere is my own personal revolution?  Maybe I will trigger you to think about your truth as I trigger myself to do the same thing in my own life.


Can you start your own revolution?

What would it look like?


Saturday, 18 October 2014

and you are on my mind
i think about you
when i close my eyes
boy, i need your body

and it was never 
never what i planned
when i close my eyes
boy, i want your body

and some things go unsaid
'cause they aren't meant to be
when i close my eyes
boy, i miss your body



Tuesday, 2 September 2014

and when i'm inside you
i can be myself
and you hold me in a way
where others fear to delve

because you know me
and you keep me safe
from all of the demons
that can dominate my space

and it's you that i long for
all day long
because you know me
you're where i belong


Monday, 25 August 2014

monday

i wish my room was dark
i don't like the sun
for it stole my heart
and an idea of fun

i cannot face the sky
no, not today
better to dream of love
in my safe hideaway


Wednesday, 20 August 2014

on days like today....

It's a love hate affair
and on days like today
with the sound of your voice
you bring waves of despair

all i can do 
is wonder why
why you left me
to fend for myself

it's a cruel fucking world
and i'm doing ok
but i miss you
on days like today.


Tuesday, 5 August 2014

aftermath and connection

August 3rd marks the 100 year anniversary of the beginning of the Great War.  Ashamedly, I admit I don't know enough about WWI.  What blows my mind is the fact that over 7 million people died in combat and this anniversary came and went without any major headlines.  What the hell? I cannot even begin to imagine the impact that war had on families, communities, businesses and the general functioning of the planet in the aftermath. I remember reading (at school) about the hell that took place on the Western Front.

August 3rd is also the 5th anniversary of my late fiance's suicide.  This year, while I have coped & functioned better than previous anniversaries, I contemplated the impact of loss.  Not only my own personal loss (which is really all I know) but also the influence of grief in history.

It leaves me thinking...
How/why do we not still discuss these events?
Is it really no longer relevant?
Do people forget about the deceased and their existence after time?
Who would we (I) be without trauma/loss?

I can only answer these questions for myself.  I don't know how the rest of you feel about these things.  Me? I am probably a tad overly sentimental, so these kind of things reach a deep and sacred spot in my heart, one that is reserved for those that I hold dear.  The answers, well, my answers stir up all sorts of intense emotions.  You know when you try and hold on to a moment or create one in your mind and you can feel it living and breathing through every fiber of your being? When you close your eyes and you are back in that place in time?  For me, part of it is from my own memories and part of it is from a strong empathetic connection I have to those who experience suffering.

I get confused by a society that buries the past and wants to live only in the present day.  Isn't our future created not only by the steps we make today but by the ones we walked yesterday?  Am I the only one that feels that history is one of the richest and most beautiful things?  Even when the history is brutal and harsh?  On Saturday I went to the National Gallery and surrounded myself with art, some of which dated back to the 15-1600s.  I didn't know much about these particular artists or the lives of those they portrayed but to be surrounded with such talent & beautiful of that age made me feel connected to today.  It made me feel alive and in love.  I was small in a big room of dominant images.  Was I the only one who felt this way?  It also made me wonder if anything that we do today would be looked back upon in 400 years time to evoke passion (I sadly doubt it).  Who were these people in these pictures and what had they seen in their young years?

I've also been thinking about war widows.  How the heck did they cope?  I can only presume that it wasn't a rare thing to be, so chances were that you would know someone who was also in the same boat and that you would stick together.  And I wonder how our great Grandfathers coped on the front with all that blood and gore.  The post traumatic stress must have been horrendous but somehow the men that made it home appeared to go back to a 'normal' life.  How one does that is beyond me but I guess that we live as we have to and we kind of accept what is on our plate and carry on.

And as a friend pointed out to me today, people are soooooooo saddened by the death of a character on a TV show and will post status after status on facebook about it yet i don't recall seeing ANY status updates declaring any distress about what is going on in Gaza. Are we really that fucking confused?  Or are we just too busy to care? to take the time to understand? to have TRUE empathy for something real?

I don't even know the point of this post, nor do I know how loss has impacted your life but I am sure it has.  Why don't we talk more?  I wish we could shed our barriers and share our stories more freely.  I got a tattoo on Sunday, August 3.  Part of it embraces my own history that has evolved especially since the suicide of my beloved but it is also the motto of The Royal Air Force. Whatever it's history, this phrase connects me to something bigger than me.  What connects you to the universe?........



*per ardua ad astra is latin for 'from adversity to the stars'. 

Monday, 28 July 2014

no love for us now

you held my heart
in the palm of your hands
and to you it's
just a game
and darlin
it's a shame

i'm hanging on to your love
but baby, there's
no love, no love
No love for us now

Because you

you break my heart
with every move you make
you broke my heart
with that one mistake

i've lost count of the times
that you left me
stop playing with my heart
'cause everyone can see

i'm hanging on to your love
you're hanging on to my love

because you

you break my heart 
with every move you make
you broke my heart
with that one mistake

baby, there's no
love, no love
no love 
for us now