a cwtch for my rhosyn

My beloved beautiful Rhosyn
Sending cwtchs your way
Now embrace a time for blodeuyn


Do not focus on the hanes
Today is a dechrau newydd
Take the knowledge from you poen

I do love you sweet ffrind
Please be byw ac iach
A life to not rescind

a daydream

of nights with you

holding my hand

binding my heart

it's dangerous

the games we play

the lure of lust

i like it that way

but it's with you

i am safe

and it's with you

my saving grace

mesmerised

homogenised

realised 

modernised

hypnotised

crystallised

a ruby red desire

to stroke your hair

to kiss your lips

just once more

it's distracting

locked in your gaze

i can feel you

from the grave

but it's with you

i am safe

and it's with you

my saving grace

changes

violently me

scars of angst

violently you

scars of thanks

pack my bags

i'm leaving today

fucking out of here

no care what you say

everyone's out

everyone's gone

a new beginning

yellow horizons upon

the girl next door...

What to do when you feel you have nothing left?
What to do when you cannot go on?
What to do when the drug doesn't work?
What to do when you cannot hold on?

In time there are no answers
In time there are no endings
In love there are no answers
In time there are no endings

What to do when nothing matters? Or it seems that way?
What to do when you cannot remember the last time you felt true love?
What to do when you have no energy or zest for play?
What to do when you scream but nobody listens?

In love there is no sound
In time there is no way around
In love there is a shoulder
In time we all just get older

What to do when you fail?
What to do when the tears don't stop?
What to do when there is no copper nail?
What to do when you don't believe?

In love there is no security
In love there is no serenity
In time there is no consistency
In time there is too much malignancy

Suicide awareness

Some cold hard facts.....

• Statistically, every 40 seconds, someone in the world completes suicide
• That's over 1 million people every year
• Over the past 45 years, the rates of completed suicide have increased by 60%
• In Australia, more people die from suicide than they do skin cancers or road related accidents.  It is also the leading cause of death of males under the age of 44, and women under 34. 
• In the UK, more males die from suicide than they do HIV, road accidents & assaults combined.
• China has one of the world's most horrifying statistics of 287,000 people dying by suicide annually (with approximately 2 million attempting). And yes, it is the leading cause of death between the ages of 15-34.
• It has been reported that Lithuania has the highest rate of suicide globally. Alcohol has a lot to do with it, no doubt caused by financial & social issues in the region.

Had enough? Yeah... me too..

What can we do?
TALK!! raise awareness, ask questions and care for your friends & family.  Suicide is preventable IF the suicidal person allows help (they often don't). What we can do is admit that society isn't functioning at peak condition, this is cause for great distress. Hiding or denying the facts do not help anyone. For every completed suicide there are at least 7 people directly effected, greatly. Considering the statistics above, that is a heck of a lot of grieving people out there! Some cope, some do not. 

Does it matter when people take their own lives?
You bet it does! It might be their "choice" in that particular moment however, it is never a moment where things are logical or clear. We have all had that moment where we cannot see a way out of our troubles, in the eye of the suicidal this becomes reality. 

Wednesday May 29th is wear white to work day - in memory and support of those affected by suicide.

Want to read more?
More info on wearing white to work on May 29
The World Health Organisation on suicide
International Suicide Prevention Hotlines
Suicide - warning signs
Bereaved by suicide? Join a supportive group to share your story with others

My story.....
In mid 2009, I lost the absolute love of my life to suicide.
The following two years I lost myself. I'm much better now but the memory is with me every single day.
Life has never been the same since. It never will be. I am a changed woman. Sometimes bitter, often emotional. I have good days and really really shitful days.
Through various support networks I have made some amazing friends and I cannot imagine my life without them.  My eyes have been opened in ways I do not wish upon others.
Today? It is as it is. I still do not understand how this happened in my life but I accept that it did. I am grateful for amazing friends.  
I do wonder about falling in love with the 'wrong' people. Do certain folk do that? Are some people attracted to those they cannot save? to those they cannot have? Personally, I don't have the answers, I never regret my time with my beloved, not for one minute. I miss him every day.

Support your loved ones today and every day. x

grace

What does Grace say to you? For me she is many things, but I wonder what she is for you....

increscunt animi, virescit volnere virtus (the spirit grows, strength is restored by wounding)

To quote Nietzsche :
"To stay cheerful when involved in a gloomy and exceedingly responsible business is no inconsiderable art; yet what could be more necessary than cheerfulness? Only excess of strength is proof of strength"

Why is it that we fully experience ourselves when in the extreme?
Have you ever wondered why it is that strength is built upon the once shakiest of all foundations? It almost needs to be exhumed from us when we are at our most vulnerable. Is it something we are born with or without? The ability to face our own selves and perhaps not like what we might discover. 

Even Jesus and Buddha believed that suffering was to be experienced and only a transformation of the heart could turn things around. It is beyond our own intelligence, something which we cannot control. Personally, I am thankful for my suffering, it has opened my eyes and my heart to things I might never have seen had they not occurred. This wasn't always my view...

The TV tells us that we will be happier if - we lose weight, have more money, have a better car, have an attractive spouse (a media definition of attractive, that is), can be the best at something, work hard, play hard, wear this or that and basically cram our lives with meaningless crap. Sadly, it is a trap that everyone falls into at one stage or another. Not because we are easily brainwashed or stupid but because we are vulnerable and we are busy (often stressed), we are looking for that instant hit of success over the suffering. We are told to avoid suffering at all cost, crying is weak and to "pull our socks up" to get on with things.
Does life hold such little meaning that we value it on the exterior?
How does anyone have a transformation of the heart with only these modern suggestions?

Loyalty and guilt tells us we should be the ideal son/daughter, friend, lover, spouse, employee and neighbour. Where is anyone's heart in all of those labels? It is always rewarding to do something for someone we love however, do we do that at our own peril? Does seeing another's suffering hurt us more than our own suffering? How does any of this help anyone with a change of heart?

Through experiencing one's own pain or seeing it through another's eyes, a life lesson can be learned. It is in the darkness that we remember that first glimmer of light.  It is doubtful that without the darkness that one would or could appreciate the experience.  And what might that glimmer of light be? It could be a thought, an awakening, a friend, an idea, a book, a song. It can be anything and this is what gives birth to the transformation of the heart.


 

Blind leading blind
Never hear the laughter
Search through time
Nothing reveals the answer
If it's truth that you're looking to find
It is nowhere outside of your mind
I bide my time
Waiting for your change of heart...

 Essra Mohawk, Cyndi Lauper