insidious deciduous

the apathy insidious

how could i care?

in August deciduous

why did you dare?

i'm no longer furious

I've seen it all before

it's seasonally tedious

walking through this door

with anniversary #6 upon me, today i have found myself floored. my usually sarcastic witty self has stepped aside while the apathy has taken centre stage.  this is what happens a few days before my birthday every year now. because it was 10 days after my 35th birthday that everything changed. forever. the anniversary of a beloved to suicide is shitful (for lack of a better word).  it always will be.  

of course, not everything is bad these days, actually my life is probably the best it has been in a very long time but the challenges i face pull at my heartstrings and i tire easily. X

a holiday from my heart....

I had a holiday from my heart

There was peace & there was quiet

A retreat to restart

To incubate the riot

For life is a battlefield

We're on the front line

And love is our shield

We are united, divine.

There is often a wall, albeit protective, that stops you from experiencing the very things that makes you whole. It was recently said to me that my vulnerabilities are my strengths. I hadn't thought about it in this way before but I believe it is true for all of us.  It is an ultimate act of trust in yourself and your ability to allow.

This year, thus far, I have in part, blocked the connections to my heart.  Not for a fear but out of exhaustion.  Grief and building a life after trauma is tiresome. The stigma, drama & PTSD is something that nobody chooses but is dealt.  It isn't me but is a part of me.  It has brought me wisdom, courage and ties to life that I am forever grateful for.  I look at things differently than those who have not suffered great loss and the view can be intense and I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be a clueless git that doesn't have a care in the world.

The people in my life today are all courageous and have strength that inspires me.  I don't have much tolerance or time for the flippant type. In saying that though, they too can bring you gifts of awareness and I thank them for that whilst I keep on walking by. 

Today I am grateful for all that have both hindered and helped me. 

How have you accepted your vulnerabilities recently?.........

one

why fight it when we know it

its over

you & me

a thing of the past

im not going to chase you

for it hurts

and my pride cant take it

you've changed

or maybe i have

either way

now is for a new

beginning

today i am one

a cwtch for my rhosyn

My beloved beautiful Rhosyn
Sending cwtchs your way
Now embrace a time for blodeuyn


Do not focus on the hanes
Today is a dechrau newydd
Take the knowledge from you poen

I do love you sweet ffrind
Please be byw ac iach
A life to not rescind

we belong

In my darkest days
you breathe life into me
without you

forever

i would

be existing in a haze

      love and light

      music and song

      together

      we belong

my heart knows true love

you've given me the greatest gift

I'm here

forever

I will

be with you, hand in glove

     tears and sorrow

     know no wrong

     always

     we belong

the pledge

 to have
   and to hold
to keep
   my heart cold
to burn
   break the mould
to bleed
   i am sold
to tears
   love is bold
to lose
   and to fold

bitch

Blonde Hair
Blue Eyes
Tits Out
Fake Smiles

Why do you play a stupid game?
Why do you think you're better?
How do you feel now?
With your 15 minutes of shame

Fabricated
Manipulated
Validated
Mass debated

You are cheap, cheap, cheap
And every bit as nasty
Every boy wants a go
You and your $2 peep show.

breathe

Give me time
just a moment
To pause
To breathe
To smell red roses

    I'm weak and
    yet I'm strong
    And in Your legacy
    I'll carry on

They'll try to burn me
They'll try to break me

    Crucify
    Abilify
    Manipulate
    Love to hate

The sun and the stars
And the sea and the breeze
They are for me too
Just let me the air to breathe

Always and Forever

When I close my eyes
And I dream
of sailing ships
of you and I

Picture the light
It shines for you
Always and Forever
All day, All night

Sandy white
Pure and warm
Can you feel it?
CAN you feel it?

Picture the light
It shines for you
Always and Forever
All day, All night