a holiday from my heart....

I had a holiday from my heart

There was peace & there was quiet

A retreat to restart

To incubate the riot

For life is a battlefield

We're on the front line

And love is our shield

We are united, divine.

There is often a wall, albeit protective, that stops you from experiencing the very things that makes you whole. It was recently said to me that my vulnerabilities are my strengths. I hadn't thought about it in this way before but I believe it is true for all of us.  It is an ultimate act of trust in yourself and your ability to allow.

This year, thus far, I have in part, blocked the connections to my heart.  Not for a fear but out of exhaustion.  Grief and building a life after trauma is tiresome. The stigma, drama & PTSD is something that nobody chooses but is dealt.  It isn't me but is a part of me.  It has brought me wisdom, courage and ties to life that I am forever grateful for.  I look at things differently than those who have not suffered great loss and the view can be intense and I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be a clueless git that doesn't have a care in the world.

The people in my life today are all courageous and have strength that inspires me.  I don't have much tolerance or time for the flippant type. In saying that though, they too can bring you gifts of awareness and I thank them for that whilst I keep on walking by. 

Today I am grateful for all that have both hindered and helped me. 

How have you accepted your vulnerabilities recently?.........

today i burnt my anger & my fears...

Write down everything you are angry about and/or fear in life. Burn it.

Before...
I'm a bit aprehensive about this project but acknowledge that anger and fear both play a major part in my day to day living.  Being one not to avoid such things, I am going to try and redirect my focus on these two things because honestly, I'm anxious about the fear and I'm angry about the anger!  Nothing will ever totally eradicate either of these two traits and nor should they. Without the inhale there would be no exhale, as the buddhists would say.  How do I think I will feel during and after this project?
I imagine, if I allow the raw emotion that I will feel ever ounce of it. I imagine the buring will bring a sense of empowerment and control.

Here we go....

You know what... it just made me feel calm. It was good to SEE what all this anger and fear is (eventhough I am fully aware of these things in my mind, making them physical does something else). They are still inside of me, they didn't go away but they are not as dominant as they could be.

The hardest part was tearing up the anger and the fear. And while it did feel REALLY good, it is not something I have done before as I normally keep these 'records' as a memory of what was/is. Now I am ready to burn these bitches!!.....

The burning is the fun part, that is for sure!! goodbye anger and fear!

After...
I actually feel really good. Dare I say calm?
Anyone who knows me after work on a December day knows that this is very far from the norm.

fear, asceticism & the nirvana principle

Today I had a good friend suggest that I take a look at fear.
Here is my take on it.....

Fear, the ultimate controlling force in our hearts, our minds, used by the powers that be to manipulate the masses. What is it about fear that makes us gullible? enslaves us against our desires? and turns us into good little members of society that do what we are told?

Ok, so I bet you are wondering, what is this asceticism & nirvana principle that you speak of?

Asceticism is the act of denying yourself of 'normal' pleasures be it for reasons of self discipline or religion. Picture a monk, living a humble and basic life or perhaps the anorexic who restricts his/her basic needs (essentially food but also a voice, a life, a right, enjoyment, love and so on).  Obviously the monk has his reasons for the way he chooses to live while the anorexic exists with the constant monologue that all stems back to the fear of being 'fat', not 'good enough' etc.

The 'nirvana principle' is one of Freud's terms. Nirvana being the Buddhist concept of nothingness, void and sometimes described as heaven.  Freud would say that the 'nirvana principle' is our basic longing for peace hence an escape from all the things we fear.  The average person achieves their day to day 'nirvana' through music, television, drugs, alcohol and sleep.  The nirvana principle is brought on by avoiding our mundane existence where we are controlled and avoid our true selves (including our fears).

President Franklin Roosevelt was quoted as saying "The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself".  The anticipation of our worst fears becoming reality is pretty frightening if you take a moment to sit down and think about it........

Fear attacks the ego, the superego, the identity and possibly a sense of sanity. We've all heard about the 'fight or flight' response living creatures have. In 2013, for those of us living in a first world environment, are we really faced with the stress that causes the 'fight or flight'? Or is this response something so ingrained in our makeup that we carry it through modern life? 

What are you scared of?
(And I am not talking about phobias)

Most of us are scared of being alone, rejected and/or misunderstood. We do all that we can to ensure our safety from these terrifying conundrums. We do what our family, loved ones, neighbours, friends, colleagues and the almighty television tells us is acceptable (or at least a version of the permitted behaviour). We have our Sunday roast, we mow the lawns and keep the garden tidy, we work in jobs where our minds rot and are not encouraged to grow, then we come home to a television that instills fear via the news or a series (if you do not have X then Y will not like you etc). It is all a load of bollocks!

What would happen if we just said.... FUCK IT!
I will not wear a fucking suit or other gender 'appropriate' outfits!
I will not mow my lawns because I am too busy reading a fucking book & educating myself!
I will not EVER look like I stepped out of the pages of Vogue magazine because I am not a manipulated photograph
I do not care if you do not accept me in the way that I choose to exist because I am being true to my fucking self!

Seriously..... what would happen in your life if you said "fuck it!"?  It could be a bit messy in the beginning yeah, but then what could happen?......... Think about it!

What if we all could run away and live how we wanted to live?
What if law was upheld because things are right or wrong instead of via wanky texts & even wankier lawyers? What if we could love who we love and hate who we hate? Why does society fear this so much? Why is being different and singing out of tune so fucking bad?

Who the hell decided that life would be a formula?

• birth
• learn to eat, walk, dress, shit in a toilet
• school
• work
• marriage
• kids
• work
• retirement
• do the garden, play bridge, eat scones
• disease
• death

That's the script we are all given, some of us obey it, some of us don't.  It is pretty fucking intense to fight against a global expectation and break free to be your own person. Then of course, there are all our own personal circumstances, sexuality, beliefs, health and inadequate quirks. What makes some people appear to be stronger? Maybe it is a major nirvana principle they have adopted? For the rest of us, we battle on, do what we can, when we can. We jump and have faith that the net will appear. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. What choice do we have? Stay inside or take the risk to be an individual? Both come with risks. The question is, will fear be your defining attribute?