a holiday from my heart....

I had a holiday from my heart

There was peace & there was quiet

A retreat to restart

To incubate the riot

For life is a battlefield

We're on the front line

And love is our shield

We are united, divine.

There is often a wall, albeit protective, that stops you from experiencing the very things that makes you whole. It was recently said to me that my vulnerabilities are my strengths. I hadn't thought about it in this way before but I believe it is true for all of us.  It is an ultimate act of trust in yourself and your ability to allow.

This year, thus far, I have in part, blocked the connections to my heart.  Not for a fear but out of exhaustion.  Grief and building a life after trauma is tiresome. The stigma, drama & PTSD is something that nobody chooses but is dealt.  It isn't me but is a part of me.  It has brought me wisdom, courage and ties to life that I am forever grateful for.  I look at things differently than those who have not suffered great loss and the view can be intense and I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be a clueless git that doesn't have a care in the world.

The people in my life today are all courageous and have strength that inspires me.  I don't have much tolerance or time for the flippant type. In saying that though, they too can bring you gifts of awareness and I thank them for that whilst I keep on walking by. 

Today I am grateful for all that have both hindered and helped me. 

How have you accepted your vulnerabilities recently?.........

today i burnt my anger & my fears...

Write down everything you are angry about and/or fear in life. Burn it.

Before...
I'm a bit aprehensive about this project but acknowledge that anger and fear both play a major part in my day to day living.  Being one not to avoid such things, I am going to try and redirect my focus on these two things because honestly, I'm anxious about the fear and I'm angry about the anger!  Nothing will ever totally eradicate either of these two traits and nor should they. Without the inhale there would be no exhale, as the buddhists would say.  How do I think I will feel during and after this project?
I imagine, if I allow the raw emotion that I will feel ever ounce of it. I imagine the buring will bring a sense of empowerment and control.

Here we go....

You know what... it just made me feel calm. It was good to SEE what all this anger and fear is (eventhough I am fully aware of these things in my mind, making them physical does something else). They are still inside of me, they didn't go away but they are not as dominant as they could be.

The hardest part was tearing up the anger and the fear. And while it did feel REALLY good, it is not something I have done before as I normally keep these 'records' as a memory of what was/is. Now I am ready to burn these bitches!!.....

The burning is the fun part, that is for sure!! goodbye anger and fear!

After...
I actually feel really good. Dare I say calm?
Anyone who knows me after work on a December day knows that this is very far from the norm.

fear, asceticism & the nirvana principle

Today I had a good friend suggest that I take a look at fear.
Here is my take on it.....

Fear, the ultimate controlling force in our hearts, our minds, used by the powers that be to manipulate the masses. What is it about fear that makes us gullible? enslaves us against our desires? and turns us into good little members of society that do what we are told?

Ok, so I bet you are wondering, what is this asceticism & nirvana principle that you speak of?

Asceticism is the act of denying yourself of 'normal' pleasures be it for reasons of self discipline or religion. Picture a monk, living a humble and basic life or perhaps the anorexic who restricts his/her basic needs (essentially food but also a voice, a life, a right, enjoyment, love and so on).  Obviously the monk has his reasons for the way he chooses to live while the anorexic exists with the constant monologue that all stems back to the fear of being 'fat', not 'good enough' etc.

The 'nirvana principle' is one of Freud's terms. Nirvana being the Buddhist concept of nothingness, void and sometimes described as heaven.  Freud would say that the 'nirvana principle' is our basic longing for peace hence an escape from all the things we fear.  The average person achieves their day to day 'nirvana' through music, television, drugs, alcohol and sleep.  The nirvana principle is brought on by avoiding our mundane existence where we are controlled and avoid our true selves (including our fears).

President Franklin Roosevelt was quoted as saying "The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself".  The anticipation of our worst fears becoming reality is pretty frightening if you take a moment to sit down and think about it........

Fear attacks the ego, the superego, the identity and possibly a sense of sanity. We've all heard about the 'fight or flight' response living creatures have. In 2013, for those of us living in a first world environment, are we really faced with the stress that causes the 'fight or flight'? Or is this response something so ingrained in our makeup that we carry it through modern life? 

What are you scared of?
(And I am not talking about phobias)

Most of us are scared of being alone, rejected and/or misunderstood. We do all that we can to ensure our safety from these terrifying conundrums. We do what our family, loved ones, neighbours, friends, colleagues and the almighty television tells us is acceptable (or at least a version of the permitted behaviour). We have our Sunday roast, we mow the lawns and keep the garden tidy, we work in jobs where our minds rot and are not encouraged to grow, then we come home to a television that instills fear via the news or a series (if you do not have X then Y will not like you etc). It is all a load of bollocks!

What would happen if we just said.... FUCK IT!
I will not wear a fucking suit or other gender 'appropriate' outfits!
I will not mow my lawns because I am too busy reading a fucking book & educating myself!
I will not EVER look like I stepped out of the pages of Vogue magazine because I am not a manipulated photograph
I do not care if you do not accept me in the way that I choose to exist because I am being true to my fucking self!

Seriously..... what would happen in your life if you said "fuck it!"?  It could be a bit messy in the beginning yeah, but then what could happen?......... Think about it!

What if we all could run away and live how we wanted to live?
What if law was upheld because things are right or wrong instead of via wanky texts & even wankier lawyers? What if we could love who we love and hate who we hate? Why does society fear this so much? Why is being different and singing out of tune so fucking bad?

Who the hell decided that life would be a formula?

• birth
• learn to eat, walk, dress, shit in a toilet
• school
• work
• marriage
• kids
• work
• retirement
• do the garden, play bridge, eat scones
• disease
• death

That's the script we are all given, some of us obey it, some of us don't.  It is pretty fucking intense to fight against a global expectation and break free to be your own person. Then of course, there are all our own personal circumstances, sexuality, beliefs, health and inadequate quirks. What makes some people appear to be stronger? Maybe it is a major nirvana principle they have adopted? For the rest of us, we battle on, do what we can, when we can. We jump and have faith that the net will appear. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. What choice do we have? Stay inside or take the risk to be an individual? Both come with risks. The question is, will fear be your defining attribute?

four

Tis the eve of the fourth anniversary of my first true love's suicide.  This is not a story about suicide, society  and statistics but rather my own perspective of how such an act can change one's life.

Prior to the suicide I was an outspoken girl only ever brave enough to voice it within certain circles. I envisaged the future to include a comfortable home complete with a kid or two, a dog or two and a cat or three. I was obsessed with perfect health and was aiming to make it to 100 years of age (I wanted that letter from the King or Queen!) I wanted to love & be loved, hold  & be held and to read, learn & share. Maybe I was a dreamer. 

On that fateful day, August 3, 2009, everything changed.
I became very still and our cat became very distant. She was with him and saw him through the end of his life. To this day, I still feel bad for her and protect her from ever being in that room again.

A tsunami of grief and depression engulfed me, it would consume the best part of the 2 years that followed. My diet was poor, I was lost among my peers, nothing seemed important and the disconnection to life was strong.  I couldn't get off the couch, not even to go to bed. I slept in my clothes, I would only leave the house to get cat food & a bottle of wine. Minutes lasted for hours and all I could do was stare. Life was bleak. If I read my own words from back in those early days, I often reported that I felt like I was in the eye of a storm and I could do nothing but stand there, still, while watching absolute chaos and madness surround me. These times seemed like a never ending gloom no matter how desperately I thought about dragging myself back to life. I was stuck but safe in the familiarity of a dysfunctional routine. There is an element of romanticism within the melancholy after all. Sometimes I still need to visit that place.

There were many twists and turns and forks in the road. And since then, now, four years down the track, the shy girl who aimed to please others has found her place, or at least holds the map with directions! Many hours have been spent in the therapist's office trying to come to terms with this tragic event. I admit, there are still are days when I wonder if he will come home but in reality, I know this will never occur. And I am ok. He is free from the constraints of the demands from modern day society. He would like that. 

The time between then and now is both blurred and full. The desperation, angst and misery I somehow muddled through brought me strength. I spoke up, I spoke out, I met other young people who have been bereaved by suicide. These amazing people have been there every step of the way. They have understood the days spent in darkness and not judged or voiced an opinion about it. The importance of understanding is truly undervalued by most. I trust this group of people understand the gift of worthiness they have given me. 

Today, I do not hold on to goals and labels like I once did. I find them depressing and rather contrived. It is as it is, as they say. I have my house, my dog, three cats and two turtles. I work the standard hours like we are all 'supposed to' & like everyone else, I long for 5pm, weekends & a holiday. I am surrounded by brilliant people who enrich my life just by being in it. One good thing that grief did was clear out all the fakery! I have nil interest or time for those that exist in the bubble. Nothing is taken for granted. Sometimes I hold on to bonds a little too tightly. Desertion frightens me even though I believe in the ability to be a lone warrior. 

And here we are, August 3, 2013.
I am sitting at the table in the house where one violent act changed my world. 
I love you and I miss you. This song is for you. Xx

Bat for Lashes - Daniel

what's love got to do with it?

I've seen both good and bad marriages. I am always intrigued as to how they work. Who rules the roost? Here is a brief history:

ln ancient Greece, single and childless men were treated with scorn.  Marriage was a practical matter.  It has been said that the men would spout "We have prostitutes for our pleasure, concubines for our health, and wives to bear us lawful offspring".

The Romans, while husbands definitely had the upper hand over their wives, it was not frowned upon for men to have homosexual relationships. Over the years, things changed from a husband being able to punish, sell or kill his wife and/or children (if he saw fit) through to somewhat fair laws for women; where she had the right to divorce and the dowry could be repaid back to the family.

Israel, like Europe also had the belief of selling off their daughters (the ring being the symbol of purchase). With the rise of religion, priests and ceremonies were introduced to most marital ceremonies. 


Even good ole Captain Cook saw things that would shock most Westerners today. It was in Tahiti that he wrote about “A young man, nearly six feet high, performed the rites of Venus with a little girl about 11 or 12 years of age, before several of our people and a great number of natives, without the least sense of its being indecent or improper, but, as appeared, in perfect conformity to the custom of the place. Among the spectators were several women of superior rank who . . . gave instructions to the girl how to perform her part, which, young as she was, she did not seem much to stand in need of.”  Apparently it was the norm to practice things of a sexual nature in a public forum.  Of course, today, in Western society, this would not be tolerated in any way shape or form.  The "man" would be labelled a pedophile and would hopefully be locked away thus preventing any other child being preyed upon in this manner.  Although, upon reading about ancient times, I have learned that most females were exposed to sexual experiences after their first menstruation. And, yes, you guessed correctly, they were to remain monogamous to their chosen husband.

Nothing is sounding very romantic or equal during these times.  It wasn't until modern times that marriage seemed to merge into something of choice between couples. It was only in the mid 1800's that civil marriages became legally recognised, at least in Germany, Wales & the United Kingdom.

There is the monogamous marriage between two people.
There is the single person (by choice or being widowed), the cheater and those either opposed to or denied the right to marriage.
Not forgetting, of course, the polygamist marriage between a man and numerous wives (from what I have been reading is more common that I ever realised!) Check out this map of prevalence world wide.  In a nutshell, it appears we adhere to the sexual rules in the society of which we live.  It is now accepted (in Western society) that people have sex out of wedlock and people of the same gender engage in intimate relationships.

Today, we like to think that marriage equals a monogamous existence... or do we?  Are there people out there that prey on those in an unsatisfied relationship for their own gratification? Are there those that get married because society and family expect it but are grossly unhappy? How about those that are clinging to "at least I'm not alone"? or is it a financial decision? A mortgage is virtually impossible on the average single wage.  Does everyone want children? Do they have them for the right reasons? What is the right reason? Or again, are we just obeying the laws of society and family? Does a ceremony, a promise and a ring still stand for what we think it should?


All of this leads to my main topic in question: Monogamy & Marriage.
I know of some people that thrive in their marriage and form a bond that seems to the outsider, unbreakable. Then there are others, they seem scared, misguided, confused, inappropriate or maybe they are just testing their own boundaries?  Of course, there is the scientific view that we share the DNA of the ape and monogamy is not a natural status. On the flip side, people will argue that we have evolved and are not slaves to our physical desires. 

I for one, do not engage in the practice of entertaining the cheating spouse.  But what if things are not so black and white?

all the single ladies...

I consider myself a strong single woman at 38 years of age.
It comes at a cost.
I lost the love of my life at 35 and adjusting to the "young widow" label was very confronting. And here we are in 2013, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I speak out regarding issues I am passionate about, I am honest and I might say things you do not like.

Labels are bullshit and are largely created for the sheeple of society.  You know the ones, they need to pigeon hole you so that they can then judge you.  What a load of crap! I've been labelled so many things in this life, some derogatory, defamatory, depersonalising & yes, even the odd revering comments have come my way from time to time. All of them meaningless unless you have faith in oneself.


Society has far too many expectations on the widow/ single women in their 30s.
It honestly is beyond a joke!
One either mopes around wearing a head to toe black costume OR is the career bitch without a care in the world for anyone but herself.  Both these extreme stereotypes I find offensive, by the way.

Apparently, I should have had children by now or have found new love.  I have neither. Nor do I crave them. I have found happiness in the chaos & I do not take for granted that I now can laugh every day. I have an opinion, a mind of my own. I have a voice and I will use it.  Take the opportunity that you have been granted with and run with it.

I didn't choose where I am but I do choose who I am.

By day, I am an Admin Manager, in a male dominated environment. I have to be strong & assertive. Some might say "a bitch", I'd rather call it an individualistic approach to a managerial position. By night, I am a hopeless romantic that enjoys the solace of silence with a glass of Margaret River red wine (thank you to my fabulous Nanna for introducing me to the finest wines in the country!).  My animals are the only creatures allowed to make noise in my home after 5, unless of course, I have a craving to pull out my vinyl.  TV is poison (Louis Theroux excluded).

I dream of a life with my rescue animals, my loved ones and my journal.  It is quiet and peaceful yet at times busy and full of madness. Life is for living. Stereotypes are for the uneducated.

we belong

In my darkest days
you breathe life into me
without you

forever

i would

be existing in a haze

      love and light

      music and song

      together

      we belong

my heart knows true love

you've given me the greatest gift

I'm here

forever

I will

be with you, hand in glove

     tears and sorrow

     know no wrong

     always

     we belong

the pledge

 to have
   and to hold
to keep
   my heart cold
to burn
   break the mould
to bleed
   i am sold
to tears
   love is bold
to lose
   and to fold

breathe

Give me time
just a moment
To pause
To breathe
To smell red roses

    I'm weak and
    yet I'm strong
    And in Your legacy
    I'll carry on

They'll try to burn me
They'll try to break me

    Crucify
    Abilify
    Manipulate
    Love to hate

The sun and the stars
And the sea and the breeze
They are for me too
Just let me the air to breathe

Always and Forever

When I close my eyes
And I dream
of sailing ships
of you and I

Picture the light
It shines for you
Always and Forever
All day, All night

Sandy white
Pure and warm
Can you feel it?
CAN you feel it?

Picture the light
It shines for you
Always and Forever
All day, All night

mother and child

this sad lost little soul was me in the aftermath of my partner's suicide. escaping the fires of hell with hope, encouragement and support of some truly amazing people