insidious deciduous

the apathy insidious

how could i care?

in August deciduous

why did you dare?

i'm no longer furious

I've seen it all before

it's seasonally tedious

walking through this door

with anniversary #6 upon me, today i have found myself floored. my usually sarcastic witty self has stepped aside while the apathy has taken centre stage.  this is what happens a few days before my birthday every year now. because it was 10 days after my 35th birthday that everything changed. forever. the anniversary of a beloved to suicide is shitful (for lack of a better word).  it always will be.  

of course, not everything is bad these days, actually my life is probably the best it has been in a very long time but the challenges i face pull at my heartstrings and i tire easily. X

what's love got to do with it?

I've seen both good and bad marriages. I am always intrigued as to how they work. Who rules the roost? Here is a brief history:

ln ancient Greece, single and childless men were treated with scorn.  Marriage was a practical matter.  It has been said that the men would spout "We have prostitutes for our pleasure, concubines for our health, and wives to bear us lawful offspring".

The Romans, while husbands definitely had the upper hand over their wives, it was not frowned upon for men to have homosexual relationships. Over the years, things changed from a husband being able to punish, sell or kill his wife and/or children (if he saw fit) through to somewhat fair laws for women; where she had the right to divorce and the dowry could be repaid back to the family.

Israel, like Europe also had the belief of selling off their daughters (the ring being the symbol of purchase). With the rise of religion, priests and ceremonies were introduced to most marital ceremonies. 


Even good ole Captain Cook saw things that would shock most Westerners today. It was in Tahiti that he wrote about “A young man, nearly six feet high, performed the rites of Venus with a little girl about 11 or 12 years of age, before several of our people and a great number of natives, without the least sense of its being indecent or improper, but, as appeared, in perfect conformity to the custom of the place. Among the spectators were several women of superior rank who . . . gave instructions to the girl how to perform her part, which, young as she was, she did not seem much to stand in need of.”  Apparently it was the norm to practice things of a sexual nature in a public forum.  Of course, today, in Western society, this would not be tolerated in any way shape or form.  The "man" would be labelled a pedophile and would hopefully be locked away thus preventing any other child being preyed upon in this manner.  Although, upon reading about ancient times, I have learned that most females were exposed to sexual experiences after their first menstruation. And, yes, you guessed correctly, they were to remain monogamous to their chosen husband.

Nothing is sounding very romantic or equal during these times.  It wasn't until modern times that marriage seemed to merge into something of choice between couples. It was only in the mid 1800's that civil marriages became legally recognised, at least in Germany, Wales & the United Kingdom.

There is the monogamous marriage between two people.
There is the single person (by choice or being widowed), the cheater and those either opposed to or denied the right to marriage.
Not forgetting, of course, the polygamist marriage between a man and numerous wives (from what I have been reading is more common that I ever realised!) Check out this map of prevalence world wide.  In a nutshell, it appears we adhere to the sexual rules in the society of which we live.  It is now accepted (in Western society) that people have sex out of wedlock and people of the same gender engage in intimate relationships.

Today, we like to think that marriage equals a monogamous existence... or do we?  Are there people out there that prey on those in an unsatisfied relationship for their own gratification? Are there those that get married because society and family expect it but are grossly unhappy? How about those that are clinging to "at least I'm not alone"? or is it a financial decision? A mortgage is virtually impossible on the average single wage.  Does everyone want children? Do they have them for the right reasons? What is the right reason? Or again, are we just obeying the laws of society and family? Does a ceremony, a promise and a ring still stand for what we think it should?


All of this leads to my main topic in question: Monogamy & Marriage.
I know of some people that thrive in their marriage and form a bond that seems to the outsider, unbreakable. Then there are others, they seem scared, misguided, confused, inappropriate or maybe they are just testing their own boundaries?  Of course, there is the scientific view that we share the DNA of the ape and monogamy is not a natural status. On the flip side, people will argue that we have evolved and are not slaves to our physical desires. 

I for one, do not engage in the practice of entertaining the cheating spouse.  But what if things are not so black and white?

all the single ladies...

I consider myself a strong single woman at 38 years of age.
It comes at a cost.
I lost the love of my life at 35 and adjusting to the "young widow" label was very confronting. And here we are in 2013, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I speak out regarding issues I am passionate about, I am honest and I might say things you do not like.

Labels are bullshit and are largely created for the sheeple of society.  You know the ones, they need to pigeon hole you so that they can then judge you.  What a load of crap! I've been labelled so many things in this life, some derogatory, defamatory, depersonalising & yes, even the odd revering comments have come my way from time to time. All of them meaningless unless you have faith in oneself.


Society has far too many expectations on the widow/ single women in their 30s.
It honestly is beyond a joke!
One either mopes around wearing a head to toe black costume OR is the career bitch without a care in the world for anyone but herself.  Both these extreme stereotypes I find offensive, by the way.

Apparently, I should have had children by now or have found new love.  I have neither. Nor do I crave them. I have found happiness in the chaos & I do not take for granted that I now can laugh every day. I have an opinion, a mind of my own. I have a voice and I will use it.  Take the opportunity that you have been granted with and run with it.

I didn't choose where I am but I do choose who I am.

By day, I am an Admin Manager, in a male dominated environment. I have to be strong & assertive. Some might say "a bitch", I'd rather call it an individualistic approach to a managerial position. By night, I am a hopeless romantic that enjoys the solace of silence with a glass of Margaret River red wine (thank you to my fabulous Nanna for introducing me to the finest wines in the country!).  My animals are the only creatures allowed to make noise in my home after 5, unless of course, I have a craving to pull out my vinyl.  TV is poison (Louis Theroux excluded).

I dream of a life with my rescue animals, my loved ones and my journal.  It is quiet and peaceful yet at times busy and full of madness. Life is for living. Stereotypes are for the uneducated.