today i burnt my anger & my fears...

Write down everything you are angry about and/or fear in life. Burn it.

Before...
I'm a bit aprehensive about this project but acknowledge that anger and fear both play a major part in my day to day living.  Being one not to avoid such things, I am going to try and redirect my focus on these two things because honestly, I'm anxious about the fear and I'm angry about the anger!  Nothing will ever totally eradicate either of these two traits and nor should they. Without the inhale there would be no exhale, as the buddhists would say.  How do I think I will feel during and after this project?
I imagine, if I allow the raw emotion that I will feel ever ounce of it. I imagine the buring will bring a sense of empowerment and control.

Here we go....

You know what... it just made me feel calm. It was good to SEE what all this anger and fear is (eventhough I am fully aware of these things in my mind, making them physical does something else). They are still inside of me, they didn't go away but they are not as dominant as they could be.

The hardest part was tearing up the anger and the fear. And while it did feel REALLY good, it is not something I have done before as I normally keep these 'records' as a memory of what was/is. Now I am ready to burn these bitches!!.....

The burning is the fun part, that is for sure!! goodbye anger and fear!

After...
I actually feel really good. Dare I say calm?
Anyone who knows me after work on a December day knows that this is very far from the norm.

four

Tis the eve of the fourth anniversary of my first true love's suicide.  This is not a story about suicide, society  and statistics but rather my own perspective of how such an act can change one's life.

Prior to the suicide I was an outspoken girl only ever brave enough to voice it within certain circles. I envisaged the future to include a comfortable home complete with a kid or two, a dog or two and a cat or three. I was obsessed with perfect health and was aiming to make it to 100 years of age (I wanted that letter from the King or Queen!) I wanted to love & be loved, hold  & be held and to read, learn & share. Maybe I was a dreamer. 

On that fateful day, August 3, 2009, everything changed.
I became very still and our cat became very distant. She was with him and saw him through the end of his life. To this day, I still feel bad for her and protect her from ever being in that room again.

A tsunami of grief and depression engulfed me, it would consume the best part of the 2 years that followed. My diet was poor, I was lost among my peers, nothing seemed important and the disconnection to life was strong.  I couldn't get off the couch, not even to go to bed. I slept in my clothes, I would only leave the house to get cat food & a bottle of wine. Minutes lasted for hours and all I could do was stare. Life was bleak. If I read my own words from back in those early days, I often reported that I felt like I was in the eye of a storm and I could do nothing but stand there, still, while watching absolute chaos and madness surround me. These times seemed like a never ending gloom no matter how desperately I thought about dragging myself back to life. I was stuck but safe in the familiarity of a dysfunctional routine. There is an element of romanticism within the melancholy after all. Sometimes I still need to visit that place.

There were many twists and turns and forks in the road. And since then, now, four years down the track, the shy girl who aimed to please others has found her place, or at least holds the map with directions! Many hours have been spent in the therapist's office trying to come to terms with this tragic event. I admit, there are still are days when I wonder if he will come home but in reality, I know this will never occur. And I am ok. He is free from the constraints of the demands from modern day society. He would like that. 

The time between then and now is both blurred and full. The desperation, angst and misery I somehow muddled through brought me strength. I spoke up, I spoke out, I met other young people who have been bereaved by suicide. These amazing people have been there every step of the way. They have understood the days spent in darkness and not judged or voiced an opinion about it. The importance of understanding is truly undervalued by most. I trust this group of people understand the gift of worthiness they have given me. 

Today, I do not hold on to goals and labels like I once did. I find them depressing and rather contrived. It is as it is, as they say. I have my house, my dog, three cats and two turtles. I work the standard hours like we are all 'supposed to' & like everyone else, I long for 5pm, weekends & a holiday. I am surrounded by brilliant people who enrich my life just by being in it. One good thing that grief did was clear out all the fakery! I have nil interest or time for those that exist in the bubble. Nothing is taken for granted. Sometimes I hold on to bonds a little too tightly. Desertion frightens me even though I believe in the ability to be a lone warrior. 

And here we are, August 3, 2013.
I am sitting at the table in the house where one violent act changed my world. 
I love you and I miss you. This song is for you. Xx

Bat for Lashes - Daniel

a cwtch for my rhosyn

My beloved beautiful Rhosyn
Sending cwtchs your way
Now embrace a time for blodeuyn


Do not focus on the hanes
Today is a dechrau newydd
Take the knowledge from you poen

I do love you sweet ffrind
Please be byw ac iach
A life to not rescind

what's love got to do with it?

I've seen both good and bad marriages. I am always intrigued as to how they work. Who rules the roost? Here is a brief history:

ln ancient Greece, single and childless men were treated with scorn.  Marriage was a practical matter.  It has been said that the men would spout "We have prostitutes for our pleasure, concubines for our health, and wives to bear us lawful offspring".

The Romans, while husbands definitely had the upper hand over their wives, it was not frowned upon for men to have homosexual relationships. Over the years, things changed from a husband being able to punish, sell or kill his wife and/or children (if he saw fit) through to somewhat fair laws for women; where she had the right to divorce and the dowry could be repaid back to the family.

Israel, like Europe also had the belief of selling off their daughters (the ring being the symbol of purchase). With the rise of religion, priests and ceremonies were introduced to most marital ceremonies. 


Even good ole Captain Cook saw things that would shock most Westerners today. It was in Tahiti that he wrote about “A young man, nearly six feet high, performed the rites of Venus with a little girl about 11 or 12 years of age, before several of our people and a great number of natives, without the least sense of its being indecent or improper, but, as appeared, in perfect conformity to the custom of the place. Among the spectators were several women of superior rank who . . . gave instructions to the girl how to perform her part, which, young as she was, she did not seem much to stand in need of.”  Apparently it was the norm to practice things of a sexual nature in a public forum.  Of course, today, in Western society, this would not be tolerated in any way shape or form.  The "man" would be labelled a pedophile and would hopefully be locked away thus preventing any other child being preyed upon in this manner.  Although, upon reading about ancient times, I have learned that most females were exposed to sexual experiences after their first menstruation. And, yes, you guessed correctly, they were to remain monogamous to their chosen husband.

Nothing is sounding very romantic or equal during these times.  It wasn't until modern times that marriage seemed to merge into something of choice between couples. It was only in the mid 1800's that civil marriages became legally recognised, at least in Germany, Wales & the United Kingdom.

There is the monogamous marriage between two people.
There is the single person (by choice or being widowed), the cheater and those either opposed to or denied the right to marriage.
Not forgetting, of course, the polygamist marriage between a man and numerous wives (from what I have been reading is more common that I ever realised!) Check out this map of prevalence world wide.  In a nutshell, it appears we adhere to the sexual rules in the society of which we live.  It is now accepted (in Western society) that people have sex out of wedlock and people of the same gender engage in intimate relationships.

Today, we like to think that marriage equals a monogamous existence... or do we?  Are there people out there that prey on those in an unsatisfied relationship for their own gratification? Are there those that get married because society and family expect it but are grossly unhappy? How about those that are clinging to "at least I'm not alone"? or is it a financial decision? A mortgage is virtually impossible on the average single wage.  Does everyone want children? Do they have them for the right reasons? What is the right reason? Or again, are we just obeying the laws of society and family? Does a ceremony, a promise and a ring still stand for what we think it should?


All of this leads to my main topic in question: Monogamy & Marriage.
I know of some people that thrive in their marriage and form a bond that seems to the outsider, unbreakable. Then there are others, they seem scared, misguided, confused, inappropriate or maybe they are just testing their own boundaries?  Of course, there is the scientific view that we share the DNA of the ape and monogamy is not a natural status. On the flip side, people will argue that we have evolved and are not slaves to our physical desires. 

I for one, do not engage in the practice of entertaining the cheating spouse.  But what if things are not so black and white?

we belong

In my darkest days
you breathe life into me
without you

forever

i would

be existing in a haze

      love and light

      music and song

      together

      we belong

my heart knows true love

you've given me the greatest gift

I'm here

forever

I will

be with you, hand in glove

     tears and sorrow

     know no wrong

     always

     we belong