questions....

what do you do when you have had e-fucking-nough?

seriously at the end of your tether, sick of the mundane existence of the rat race?

does your every waking moment feel like a monday morning?

thank FUCK for that glass of wine at the end of yet another day, which meant nothing to your soul but earned you another dollar so you could afford to eat and pay your mortgage (but for what?).

what do you do when you are out of reasons to get up the next morning?

or when you wonder what ailment could land you in hospital so that you get a break from the groundhog day? 

what if you don't want to die but you don't care to live?

what if you feel you are too old, too fat, too ugly, too stupid, too pathetic, too much and yet nothing all at the same time? 

what happens next? 

what if your expectations of what you thought life would be are shattered before your eyes? 

what if you are angry but have no outlet? 

what if you have built up so many walls around you that nobody can reach you?

what happens when you can no longer drag your bones out of your bed?

what if you long for love but don't allow it?

what if he never died?

what if you never got thin?

what if depression didn't exist?

what if someone could just turn up and hold you?

what if nobody ever does?

what if your screams fall on deaf ears?

what if nobody notices? if nobody hears?

what if we were allowed to be cats? or dogs?

what if society could fuck the fuck off?

what if tomorrow never comes?

Tempora mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis

J'ai la haine (i have hate)

It's a controversial topic 'hate'. We are told when we are younger to never hate anyone, that to hate is bad, that we should focus on love instead. To hate is a sin. To me this is totally ludicrous. Without black there is no white. Without winter there is no summer. Without day there is no night. 

Makes sense?

The definition of hate is (as per dictionary.com);

verb (used with object)

1.

to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest: to hate the enemy; to hatebigotry.

2.

to be unwilling; dislike: I hate to do it.

verb (used without object)

3.

to feel intense dislike, or extreme aversion or hostility.

noun

4.

intense dislike; extreme aversion or hostility.

5.

the object of extreme aversion or hostility.

I would think, by definition, hate shows strong character and a confident belief. To allow oneself to experience both the negative and the positive of emotions seems like a healthy balance. Society wants us all to focus on love and positive things so we 'feel good'. Is it really that bad to experience the negative and 'feel bad'?  It is when either extreme consumes someone that problems arise.

Constant hate is a drainer. It can take over your mind, your body and your soul. It can take over your life and destroy everything. Being infected with intense hate is not a choice but finding a way to accept it and keep on living is. Hate, like love, is really only a projection of our values.

Self hate is probably the least socially accepted form. By that, I do not mean to insinuate that racial/gender segregation, prejudices, class wars and the like are necessarily welcomed but they are acknowledged and we hear about them every night in the news. When was the last time you saw a story that was derived from or linked to self hate?

What is it, to hate oneself?
I've read about 'autophobia' which is to have a fear of being alone. This could accompany self hate but isn't the driver behind it. Extremely low self esteem is the leader of self hate. The reasons behind this are varied and complex. Living with self hate is an all consuming state that taints even the happiest of moments. Common statements that feed the running commentary could be:

• i am worthless
• i am a failure
• i am intrinsically bad
• i ruin everything
• i cause bad things to happen
• i hurt people i love
• i deserve pain

It isn't a simple case of 'cheer up and look at the bright side'.
Self hate is an exhausting existence. Can you picture it in your own life?
When have you let self hate impact you and your relationships?

Self hate not only destroys the spirit of the person it inhabits but also can come across as a nasty lashing out at those that are deeply loved. It causes regret and pain. It robs the opportunity for balance. For those who have been victim to the experience of self hate, I am sorry.

I hate love - Garbage

My personal experience of self hate has included avoidance, starvation, self injury and an intoxicating depression. I have lashed out at myself and my friends. I have hurt myself and those I love and respect. I do what I can to find the balance but still find myself absolutely riddled with this all consuming virus of self hate. It is as it is. It makes living a challenge. Daily. It isn't nice or fun. However, I accept that it is an important experience, one not to be ignored.

what is really killing our kids (guess what, it isn't your local staffy/mastiff!)

In the news this week, here in Australia, we hear the tragic news of a beloved pet dog mauling a toddler to his death. As usual, whenever this happens, there is an absolute flood of emotive media claiming to ban the breed responsible. Are dogs really killing our kids?

According to the Bureau of Statistics, Health of Children, 2004, death in infancy is higher in indigenous groups but overall rates have dramatically fallen due to better education and sanitation (no mention of dog attacks). With our kids aged between 1 - 14 years, it was reported that majority of mortality was due to poisoning, road related accidents, leukaemia and brain cancer (still nothing on dogs - how can this be?). If you would like to read more about the stats on the Health of Children in Australia, you can do so by clicking here.

Ok, so we now know the most common causes of deaths in children. I want to know just how many of our kids are being mauled to death by the pets that live under own roof. I stumbled across the work from Linda Watson, a Research Fellow and PhD candidate at Monash University Accident Research Centre. She states that there have been over 33 dog bite related deaths since 1979 (11 of which are in my home state of Victoria). While every death is tragic to the individual family, I wonder what else has similar statistics? (to read Linda's research, click here).  In the UK, sixteen people have lost their lives after a dog attack since 2005 (as quoted by the BBC).

I failed to find any official statistics of dog related deaths in children within Australia but I did find some statistics from the United States. 2% of Americans (including adults), will be bitten by a dog each year, about 0.0002% of these dog attacks (less than 0.00001% of the U.S. population) result in death, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Let's look at the population in the United States for 2013 thus far. 313.9 million. and 0.0002% of that is 627 people. I agree, too many! But let's look at other percentages and death of Americans (read more Centers for Disease Control & Prevention). While we are talking population, the UK stands at approx 57 million while Australia estimates around 23 million. (If the statistics of dog bite related deaths were the same as the USA, Australia would be looking at around 46 per year). 

Number of deaths for leading causes of death of humans in America

• Heart disease: 597,689 (ban fatty food?)
• Cancer: 574,743 (ban smoking, polution & unhealthy lifestyles?)
• Chronic lower respiratory diseases: 138,080 (ban smoking & find a cure for asthma?)
• Stroke (cerebrovascular diseases): 129,476
• Accidents (unintentional injuries): 120,859 (ban human error, become a robot?)
• Alzheimer's disease: 83,494
• Diabetes: 69,071 (ban sugar?)
• Nephritis, nephrotic syndrome, and nephrosis: 50,476
• Influenza and Pneumonia: 50,097
• Intentional self-harm (suicide): 38,364 (ban the sale of useful items incase one person uses it to harm themselves. this includes- over the counter medicine, knives, plastic bags, ropes, cords, guns etc?)

If I can group "dog bite related deaths" in children, in with other "accidental" deaths (like you, I am sure you would acknowledge that it would be highly unusual for a dog to wake up and decide to commit a murder). I'm reading about drowning, motor vehicle accidents, suffocation (ie, a foreign body caught in one's throat i presume). Still nothing on dogs! I decide to look at how many children are dying by these accidental causes.

Thirty-four kids died by water related accidents in 2009-10 (ban swimming and bathing?). as per the raising children website.
Twice as many kids died from traffic related incidents that from drowning (ban cars and roads?) as per the ABS.
In 1992, there were 29 accidental deaths by suffocation and/or asphyxiation. (ban eating and playing unsupervised for the under 14's?) as per Prof T Nolan, Clinical Epidemiology and Biostatistics Unit, Royal Children's Hospital, Parkville, Victoria 3052, Australia.  

Also, as per the Save the Children website "Poor maternal health is also a large contributor to child deaths in Australia. A number of factors cause poor maternal health such as the lack of nutrition for mothers, high levels of smoking and alcohol consumption as well as poor access to quality health care." S.T.C website.


Some fairly important issues for society to consider here including above all, how we monitor, feed and guide our children. Leave a small child alone with a dog and I believe it is the parents' fault if a tragic event occurs. Kids will be kids (and taunt animals), Dogs will be dogs (and bite back). Bring up your children to respect animals (rather than look upon them as toys) and bring up your dogs responsibly. 

Here is a photo of my Staffy X, that I adopted (from the pound) at three years of age with no knowledge of her prior history. She is with her best friend, the six month old kitten! Pretty scary?

four

Tis the eve of the fourth anniversary of my first true love's suicide.  This is not a story about suicide, society  and statistics but rather my own perspective of how such an act can change one's life.

Prior to the suicide I was an outspoken girl only ever brave enough to voice it within certain circles. I envisaged the future to include a comfortable home complete with a kid or two, a dog or two and a cat or three. I was obsessed with perfect health and was aiming to make it to 100 years of age (I wanted that letter from the King or Queen!) I wanted to love & be loved, hold  & be held and to read, learn & share. Maybe I was a dreamer. 

On that fateful day, August 3, 2009, everything changed.
I became very still and our cat became very distant. She was with him and saw him through the end of his life. To this day, I still feel bad for her and protect her from ever being in that room again.

A tsunami of grief and depression engulfed me, it would consume the best part of the 2 years that followed. My diet was poor, I was lost among my peers, nothing seemed important and the disconnection to life was strong.  I couldn't get off the couch, not even to go to bed. I slept in my clothes, I would only leave the house to get cat food & a bottle of wine. Minutes lasted for hours and all I could do was stare. Life was bleak. If I read my own words from back in those early days, I often reported that I felt like I was in the eye of a storm and I could do nothing but stand there, still, while watching absolute chaos and madness surround me. These times seemed like a never ending gloom no matter how desperately I thought about dragging myself back to life. I was stuck but safe in the familiarity of a dysfunctional routine. There is an element of romanticism within the melancholy after all. Sometimes I still need to visit that place.

There were many twists and turns and forks in the road. And since then, now, four years down the track, the shy girl who aimed to please others has found her place, or at least holds the map with directions! Many hours have been spent in the therapist's office trying to come to terms with this tragic event. I admit, there are still are days when I wonder if he will come home but in reality, I know this will never occur. And I am ok. He is free from the constraints of the demands from modern day society. He would like that. 

The time between then and now is both blurred and full. The desperation, angst and misery I somehow muddled through brought me strength. I spoke up, I spoke out, I met other young people who have been bereaved by suicide. These amazing people have been there every step of the way. They have understood the days spent in darkness and not judged or voiced an opinion about it. The importance of understanding is truly undervalued by most. I trust this group of people understand the gift of worthiness they have given me. 

Today, I do not hold on to goals and labels like I once did. I find them depressing and rather contrived. It is as it is, as they say. I have my house, my dog, three cats and two turtles. I work the standard hours like we are all 'supposed to' & like everyone else, I long for 5pm, weekends & a holiday. I am surrounded by brilliant people who enrich my life just by being in it. One good thing that grief did was clear out all the fakery! I have nil interest or time for those that exist in the bubble. Nothing is taken for granted. Sometimes I hold on to bonds a little too tightly. Desertion frightens me even though I believe in the ability to be a lone warrior. 

And here we are, August 3, 2013.
I am sitting at the table in the house where one violent act changed my world. 
I love you and I miss you. This song is for you. Xx

Bat for Lashes - Daniel

coming soon....

words in reflection
4yrs after the suicide
the word "compassion" and it's latin derivatives
and maybe a few other snippets of wisdom influenced by the wine! ;)
x

in denial

It's a Pet Shop Boys song, covered by Kylie Minogue - of which I refuse to listen to.
It's a state of mind. A state of being.
It can be a way of life.
It can be an easier choice......

According to dictionary.com:

de-ni-al (dih-nay-uhl)

noun

1.

an assertion that something said, believed, alleged, etc., is false: Despite his denials, we knew he hadtaken the purse. The politician issued a denial of his opponent's charges.

2.

refusal to believe a doctrine, theory, or the like.

3.

disbelief in the existence or reality of a thing.

4.

the refusal to satisfy a claim, request, desire, etc., or the refusal of a person making it.

5.

refusal to recognize or acknowledge; a disowning or disavowal: the traitor's denial of his country; Peter'sdenial of Christ.

According to the Mayo Clinic:
Understanding denial and its purpose

Refusing to acknowledge that something's wrong is a way of coping with emotional conflict, stress, painful thoughts, threatening information and anxiety.

When you're in denial, you:

• Refuse to acknowledge a stressful problem or situation
• Avoid facing the facts of the situation
• Minimize the consequences of the situation

In its strictest sense, denial is an unconscious process. You don't generally decide to be in denial about something. But some research suggests that denial might have a conscious component — on some level, you might choose to be in denial.

Common reasons for denial:

• A chronic or terminal illness
• Depression or other mental health conditions
• Addiction
• Financial problems
• Job difficulties
• Relationship conflicts
• Traumatic events

I see the state of denial every day on television, in the papers, in my friends, on the internet and in the mirror. Being a slave to all things real, I find this insistent state in which we all live somewhat perplexing.

• We "believe" that our food is healthy and made with care (factory farming, preservatives, mass production). Surely even a 8yr old can see that these things do not equal a "healthy" but rather "convenient" .
• We "believe" that the media will tell us the truth, at least between the lines.
• We "believe" that excuses we make in every day life make us better than our former selves, than others, than each other.
• We "believe" that a large number of "likes" makes us accepted.
• We "believe" what the mirror shows us, be it good or bad. 

All of it is lies.

I am firmly of the opinion that denial is a choice.

An easier one.

Everything we are fed and conditioned to "believe" is disrespectful to our own ability to see our own truth.  We are encouraged to live in denial. After all, it is an easier state of being.

• If I am healthy = I am good
• If I support the preferred party = I am good
• If I do X, Y and Z = I am good
• If others like me = I am good
• If the mirror shows me what I want to see (or what the magazines tell us) = I am good

What if we accepted that to be kind to others and ourselves would be living in truth?

What if we accepted that our beliefs and behaviours formed who we really are?

What if we chose not to listen but to see?.................

a cwtch for my rhosyn

My beloved beautiful Rhosyn
Sending cwtchs your way
Now embrace a time for blodeuyn


Do not focus on the hanes
Today is a dechrau newydd
Take the knowledge from you poen

I do love you sweet ffrind
Please be byw ac iach
A life to not rescind