Per ardua ad astra (through adversity to the stars)

When you were a kid and you would look to the stars and dream of the unimaginable.  Deep down, you kind of thought, that if you wished hard enough and for long enough that dream just might come true.  As adults, we learn that dreams don't just come true over night, we have to fight and struggle to reach the stars. Sometimes we fail. Sometimes we don't.

What did you dream of? 

I would dream of the all romantic. White horses, lots of books, open fires, love, cats, kids, friends, to write and dare I even admit it.... to meet Kylie Minogue! ha! Well, I have a white cat, lots of books, an open fire, three cats, my friends have beautiful children I can kidnap and adore as I please, amazing strong inspirational friends, I write here at Musings which is brilliant (but secretly, I do long for something more) oh and yeah... I met Kylie.  Love is a confusing and complex topic for a girl like me.  I have known and lost true love in my 39 years, more than once. Life is far from that fairy tale I imagined when I was younger but that doesn't make it any less rewarding.

Do you still dream? As an adult? Or did you leave that in your childhood?

I dream of something more all the time. I dream of a return to my beloved London. I dream of a new house without all the complexities that the current one inflicts upon me daily. I dream of love (if I am honest). I dream of being swept off my feet.  It's true! Your super cynical blogger longs for her prince charming. Sometimes. I dream of making something of my words. I dream of making a change, an impact. I dream to matter. And here I am, per ardua ad astra.

Today a very dear friend of mine is flying high with those stars that he would've wished upon as a kid. It hasn't been an easy road but he has always been true to his passion and now his best work will take him even higher. I couldn't be more proud and excited. These moments are rare and we need to treasure them. This one's for you baby. Xx

per ardua ad astra

in love we are strong

live by the mantra

in love we belong

fear, asceticism & the nirvana principle

Today I had a good friend suggest that I take a look at fear.
Here is my take on it.....

Fear, the ultimate controlling force in our hearts, our minds, used by the powers that be to manipulate the masses. What is it about fear that makes us gullible? enslaves us against our desires? and turns us into good little members of society that do what we are told?

Ok, so I bet you are wondering, what is this asceticism & nirvana principle that you speak of?

Asceticism is the act of denying yourself of 'normal' pleasures be it for reasons of self discipline or religion. Picture a monk, living a humble and basic life or perhaps the anorexic who restricts his/her basic needs (essentially food but also a voice, a life, a right, enjoyment, love and so on).  Obviously the monk has his reasons for the way he chooses to live while the anorexic exists with the constant monologue that all stems back to the fear of being 'fat', not 'good enough' etc.

The 'nirvana principle' is one of Freud's terms. Nirvana being the Buddhist concept of nothingness, void and sometimes described as heaven.  Freud would say that the 'nirvana principle' is our basic longing for peace hence an escape from all the things we fear.  The average person achieves their day to day 'nirvana' through music, television, drugs, alcohol and sleep.  The nirvana principle is brought on by avoiding our mundane existence where we are controlled and avoid our true selves (including our fears).

President Franklin Roosevelt was quoted as saying "The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself".  The anticipation of our worst fears becoming reality is pretty frightening if you take a moment to sit down and think about it........

Fear attacks the ego, the superego, the identity and possibly a sense of sanity. We've all heard about the 'fight or flight' response living creatures have. In 2013, for those of us living in a first world environment, are we really faced with the stress that causes the 'fight or flight'? Or is this response something so ingrained in our makeup that we carry it through modern life? 

What are you scared of?
(And I am not talking about phobias)

Most of us are scared of being alone, rejected and/or misunderstood. We do all that we can to ensure our safety from these terrifying conundrums. We do what our family, loved ones, neighbours, friends, colleagues and the almighty television tells us is acceptable (or at least a version of the permitted behaviour). We have our Sunday roast, we mow the lawns and keep the garden tidy, we work in jobs where our minds rot and are not encouraged to grow, then we come home to a television that instills fear via the news or a series (if you do not have X then Y will not like you etc). It is all a load of bollocks!

What would happen if we just said.... FUCK IT!
I will not wear a fucking suit or other gender 'appropriate' outfits!
I will not mow my lawns because I am too busy reading a fucking book & educating myself!
I will not EVER look like I stepped out of the pages of Vogue magazine because I am not a manipulated photograph
I do not care if you do not accept me in the way that I choose to exist because I am being true to my fucking self!

Seriously..... what would happen in your life if you said "fuck it!"?  It could be a bit messy in the beginning yeah, but then what could happen?......... Think about it!

What if we all could run away and live how we wanted to live?
What if law was upheld because things are right or wrong instead of via wanky texts & even wankier lawyers? What if we could love who we love and hate who we hate? Why does society fear this so much? Why is being different and singing out of tune so fucking bad?

Who the hell decided that life would be a formula?

• birth
• learn to eat, walk, dress, shit in a toilet
• school
• work
• marriage
• kids
• work
• retirement
• do the garden, play bridge, eat scones
• disease
• death

That's the script we are all given, some of us obey it, some of us don't.  It is pretty fucking intense to fight against a global expectation and break free to be your own person. Then of course, there are all our own personal circumstances, sexuality, beliefs, health and inadequate quirks. What makes some people appear to be stronger? Maybe it is a major nirvana principle they have adopted? For the rest of us, we battle on, do what we can, when we can. We jump and have faith that the net will appear. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. What choice do we have? Stay inside or take the risk to be an individual? Both come with risks. The question is, will fear be your defining attribute?

happiness is a warm gun...

Happiness is a warm gun.
First thoughts about this title.....

• A Beatles song (Lennon)
• A killer happy after a shooting
• Contentment after doing something one shouldn't (be it drugs, sex, socially unacceptable behaviour)

It is true yeah, that after we do something we long for (that our parents and TV tell us we should not do), that we feel as sense of glee? Our our parents right or wrong? TV.... does it actually spread moral values? Are murderers ever actually content or happy after firing that fatal shot? (Ok, ok, I've just finished reading about serial killers!) Are we ever happy within contentment? Do we all want to break free of the "norm" and do our own thing? Was John Lennon on to something greater?

Often I crave the death of the 8-5 mundane lifestyle that many of my friends and I exist within. If I could shoot capitalism between the eyes, I think I would. Where is the contentment, reward and happiness within the rat race? Honestly, if YOU have it, I need to hear from you! Please share! I wonder, if I shot the capitalist society and we could all live an equal and content happy life, would I feel better? content? bored? Happiness is a warm gun.

Our guidance in life is via our parents and the television. Both constantly tell us that we are wrong and not good enough. What if we turned off other people's expectations and values and focused on what we want for our own lives? What if judgments fell on deaf ears? What if we created our own morals and values? What if the legal boundaries that exist within relationships, employment, medically defined health and public duty were more open to interpretation? What would they be? Who would benefit? Would you be happy (er)? Happiness is a warm gun.

Contentment (can be described as blissful arrogance or more commonly, satisfied with things as they are).
Is it accepting the 9-5 until retirement? Accepting a somewhat happy married life? Kids? Friendships? Drunken escapades? The mediocre? OR Living to excess? Living outside the square? Seeing all there is to see? Reading? Learning? OR is it something else?

If you could do whatever you wanted, what would it be?

Would it be political?

Would it be revolutionary?

Would it be personal?

Would it be over the top?

Would it be for you? Or for everyone?

Would it feel like happiness is a warm gun?

Does it make you feel good inside? You know... warm and fuzzy?

 For me, the warm gun feels like I shot down all the rules and walls of confinement and did something that would free me, my soul and my friends. 

questions....

what do you do when you have had e-fucking-nough?

seriously at the end of your tether, sick of the mundane existence of the rat race?

does your every waking moment feel like a monday morning?

thank FUCK for that glass of wine at the end of yet another day, which meant nothing to your soul but earned you another dollar so you could afford to eat and pay your mortgage (but for what?).

what do you do when you are out of reasons to get up the next morning?

or when you wonder what ailment could land you in hospital so that you get a break from the groundhog day? 

what if you don't want to die but you don't care to live?

what if you feel you are too old, too fat, too ugly, too stupid, too pathetic, too much and yet nothing all at the same time? 

what happens next? 

what if your expectations of what you thought life would be are shattered before your eyes? 

what if you are angry but have no outlet? 

what if you have built up so many walls around you that nobody can reach you?

what happens when you can no longer drag your bones out of your bed?

what if you long for love but don't allow it?

what if he never died?

what if you never got thin?

what if depression didn't exist?

what if someone could just turn up and hold you?

what if nobody ever does?

what if your screams fall on deaf ears?

what if nobody notices? if nobody hears?

what if we were allowed to be cats? or dogs?

what if society could fuck the fuck off?

what if tomorrow never comes?

Tempora mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis

J'ai la haine (i have hate)

It's a controversial topic 'hate'. We are told when we are younger to never hate anyone, that to hate is bad, that we should focus on love instead. To hate is a sin. To me this is totally ludicrous. Without black there is no white. Without winter there is no summer. Without day there is no night. 

Makes sense?

The definition of hate is (as per dictionary.com);

verb (used with object)

1.

to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest: to hate the enemy; to hatebigotry.

2.

to be unwilling; dislike: I hate to do it.

verb (used without object)

3.

to feel intense dislike, or extreme aversion or hostility.

noun

4.

intense dislike; extreme aversion or hostility.

5.

the object of extreme aversion or hostility.

I would think, by definition, hate shows strong character and a confident belief. To allow oneself to experience both the negative and the positive of emotions seems like a healthy balance. Society wants us all to focus on love and positive things so we 'feel good'. Is it really that bad to experience the negative and 'feel bad'?  It is when either extreme consumes someone that problems arise.

Constant hate is a drainer. It can take over your mind, your body and your soul. It can take over your life and destroy everything. Being infected with intense hate is not a choice but finding a way to accept it and keep on living is. Hate, like love, is really only a projection of our values.

Self hate is probably the least socially accepted form. By that, I do not mean to insinuate that racial/gender segregation, prejudices, class wars and the like are necessarily welcomed but they are acknowledged and we hear about them every night in the news. When was the last time you saw a story that was derived from or linked to self hate?

What is it, to hate oneself?
I've read about 'autophobia' which is to have a fear of being alone. This could accompany self hate but isn't the driver behind it. Extremely low self esteem is the leader of self hate. The reasons behind this are varied and complex. Living with self hate is an all consuming state that taints even the happiest of moments. Common statements that feed the running commentary could be:

• i am worthless
• i am a failure
• i am intrinsically bad
• i ruin everything
• i cause bad things to happen
• i hurt people i love
• i deserve pain

It isn't a simple case of 'cheer up and look at the bright side'.
Self hate is an exhausting existence. Can you picture it in your own life?
When have you let self hate impact you and your relationships?

Self hate not only destroys the spirit of the person it inhabits but also can come across as a nasty lashing out at those that are deeply loved. It causes regret and pain. It robs the opportunity for balance. For those who have been victim to the experience of self hate, I am sorry.

I hate love - Garbage

My personal experience of self hate has included avoidance, starvation, self injury and an intoxicating depression. I have lashed out at myself and my friends. I have hurt myself and those I love and respect. I do what I can to find the balance but still find myself absolutely riddled with this all consuming virus of self hate. It is as it is. It makes living a challenge. Daily. It isn't nice or fun. However, I accept that it is an important experience, one not to be ignored.

what is really killing our kids (guess what, it isn't your local staffy/mastiff!)

In the news this week, here in Australia, we hear the tragic news of a beloved pet dog mauling a toddler to his death. As usual, whenever this happens, there is an absolute flood of emotive media claiming to ban the breed responsible. Are dogs really killing our kids?

According to the Bureau of Statistics, Health of Children, 2004, death in infancy is higher in indigenous groups but overall rates have dramatically fallen due to better education and sanitation (no mention of dog attacks). With our kids aged between 1 - 14 years, it was reported that majority of mortality was due to poisoning, road related accidents, leukaemia and brain cancer (still nothing on dogs - how can this be?). If you would like to read more about the stats on the Health of Children in Australia, you can do so by clicking here.

Ok, so we now know the most common causes of deaths in children. I want to know just how many of our kids are being mauled to death by the pets that live under own roof. I stumbled across the work from Linda Watson, a Research Fellow and PhD candidate at Monash University Accident Research Centre. She states that there have been over 33 dog bite related deaths since 1979 (11 of which are in my home state of Victoria). While every death is tragic to the individual family, I wonder what else has similar statistics? (to read Linda's research, click here).  In the UK, sixteen people have lost their lives after a dog attack since 2005 (as quoted by the BBC).

I failed to find any official statistics of dog related deaths in children within Australia but I did find some statistics from the United States. 2% of Americans (including adults), will be bitten by a dog each year, about 0.0002% of these dog attacks (less than 0.00001% of the U.S. population) result in death, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Let's look at the population in the United States for 2013 thus far. 313.9 million. and 0.0002% of that is 627 people. I agree, too many! But let's look at other percentages and death of Americans (read more Centers for Disease Control & Prevention). While we are talking population, the UK stands at approx 57 million while Australia estimates around 23 million. (If the statistics of dog bite related deaths were the same as the USA, Australia would be looking at around 46 per year). 

Number of deaths for leading causes of death of humans in America

• Heart disease: 597,689 (ban fatty food?)
• Cancer: 574,743 (ban smoking, polution & unhealthy lifestyles?)
• Chronic lower respiratory diseases: 138,080 (ban smoking & find a cure for asthma?)
• Stroke (cerebrovascular diseases): 129,476
• Accidents (unintentional injuries): 120,859 (ban human error, become a robot?)
• Alzheimer's disease: 83,494
• Diabetes: 69,071 (ban sugar?)
• Nephritis, nephrotic syndrome, and nephrosis: 50,476
• Influenza and Pneumonia: 50,097
• Intentional self-harm (suicide): 38,364 (ban the sale of useful items incase one person uses it to harm themselves. this includes- over the counter medicine, knives, plastic bags, ropes, cords, guns etc?)

If I can group "dog bite related deaths" in children, in with other "accidental" deaths (like you, I am sure you would acknowledge that it would be highly unusual for a dog to wake up and decide to commit a murder). I'm reading about drowning, motor vehicle accidents, suffocation (ie, a foreign body caught in one's throat i presume). Still nothing on dogs! I decide to look at how many children are dying by these accidental causes.

Thirty-four kids died by water related accidents in 2009-10 (ban swimming and bathing?). as per the raising children website.
Twice as many kids died from traffic related incidents that from drowning (ban cars and roads?) as per the ABS.
In 1992, there were 29 accidental deaths by suffocation and/or asphyxiation. (ban eating and playing unsupervised for the under 14's?) as per Prof T Nolan, Clinical Epidemiology and Biostatistics Unit, Royal Children's Hospital, Parkville, Victoria 3052, Australia.  

Also, as per the Save the Children website "Poor maternal health is also a large contributor to child deaths in Australia. A number of factors cause poor maternal health such as the lack of nutrition for mothers, high levels of smoking and alcohol consumption as well as poor access to quality health care." S.T.C website.


Some fairly important issues for society to consider here including above all, how we monitor, feed and guide our children. Leave a small child alone with a dog and I believe it is the parents' fault if a tragic event occurs. Kids will be kids (and taunt animals), Dogs will be dogs (and bite back). Bring up your children to respect animals (rather than look upon them as toys) and bring up your dogs responsibly. 

Here is a photo of my Staffy X, that I adopted (from the pound) at three years of age with no knowledge of her prior history. She is with her best friend, the six month old kitten! Pretty scary?

four

Tis the eve of the fourth anniversary of my first true love's suicide.  This is not a story about suicide, society  and statistics but rather my own perspective of how such an act can change one's life.

Prior to the suicide I was an outspoken girl only ever brave enough to voice it within certain circles. I envisaged the future to include a comfortable home complete with a kid or two, a dog or two and a cat or three. I was obsessed with perfect health and was aiming to make it to 100 years of age (I wanted that letter from the King or Queen!) I wanted to love & be loved, hold  & be held and to read, learn & share. Maybe I was a dreamer. 

On that fateful day, August 3, 2009, everything changed.
I became very still and our cat became very distant. She was with him and saw him through the end of his life. To this day, I still feel bad for her and protect her from ever being in that room again.

A tsunami of grief and depression engulfed me, it would consume the best part of the 2 years that followed. My diet was poor, I was lost among my peers, nothing seemed important and the disconnection to life was strong.  I couldn't get off the couch, not even to go to bed. I slept in my clothes, I would only leave the house to get cat food & a bottle of wine. Minutes lasted for hours and all I could do was stare. Life was bleak. If I read my own words from back in those early days, I often reported that I felt like I was in the eye of a storm and I could do nothing but stand there, still, while watching absolute chaos and madness surround me. These times seemed like a never ending gloom no matter how desperately I thought about dragging myself back to life. I was stuck but safe in the familiarity of a dysfunctional routine. There is an element of romanticism within the melancholy after all. Sometimes I still need to visit that place.

There were many twists and turns and forks in the road. And since then, now, four years down the track, the shy girl who aimed to please others has found her place, or at least holds the map with directions! Many hours have been spent in the therapist's office trying to come to terms with this tragic event. I admit, there are still are days when I wonder if he will come home but in reality, I know this will never occur. And I am ok. He is free from the constraints of the demands from modern day society. He would like that. 

The time between then and now is both blurred and full. The desperation, angst and misery I somehow muddled through brought me strength. I spoke up, I spoke out, I met other young people who have been bereaved by suicide. These amazing people have been there every step of the way. They have understood the days spent in darkness and not judged or voiced an opinion about it. The importance of understanding is truly undervalued by most. I trust this group of people understand the gift of worthiness they have given me. 

Today, I do not hold on to goals and labels like I once did. I find them depressing and rather contrived. It is as it is, as they say. I have my house, my dog, three cats and two turtles. I work the standard hours like we are all 'supposed to' & like everyone else, I long for 5pm, weekends & a holiday. I am surrounded by brilliant people who enrich my life just by being in it. One good thing that grief did was clear out all the fakery! I have nil interest or time for those that exist in the bubble. Nothing is taken for granted. Sometimes I hold on to bonds a little too tightly. Desertion frightens me even though I believe in the ability to be a lone warrior. 

And here we are, August 3, 2013.
I am sitting at the table in the house where one violent act changed my world. 
I love you and I miss you. This song is for you. Xx

Bat for Lashes - Daniel

coming soon....

words in reflection
4yrs after the suicide
the word "compassion" and it's latin derivatives
and maybe a few other snippets of wisdom influenced by the wine! ;)
x