5 problems with social media....

It is quite paradoxical that my return to the blog is under the title of "5 problems with social media".  I have taken a major step away from social media over the past six months. Living alone and being a bit of a loner means that I don't see friends as often as they or I would probably like.  Sometimes social media felt like I was out and about in the world but I found that time offline meant that I actually spoke to those close to me more often rather than them just "liking" a post. I also wonder if it kept me awake when I would check it at night when I would go through my bouts of insomnia.

• 1/ The constant, in your face, screaming for attention (aka 'likes"). Do people actually live such dramatic/exciting lives or is it all just for show?  Personally I find it to be a drainer.

• 2/ The need to check what is going on online (or post online) can border on obsessive and inhibits quality time spent in the real world.... doing things one actually enjoys (or needs to do). 

• 3/ May encourage a false sense of importance and by that I mean... self esteem can be effected (at both ends of the scale) depending on number of friends/likes/interactions and so on. 

• 4/ The feeling that you are 'in' someone's life when really you are just commenting on what they are doing rather than being involved 'with' them.  Sometimes it is just 'easier' to sit on the couch and communicate electronically rather than making an effort.

• 5/ Psychologists will tell you that children who use social media have higher rates of depression & anxiety.  In adults, I wonder if we put down our phones and didn't check in for a week, would there also be anxious feelings that would arise?

While all of this sounds uber negative, I don't think social media is all bad.  I have made some amazing friends online, I also get to see what my overseas friends are up to. I get to follow pages that keep me up to date with issues I am interested in and I get to share my musings.

Take from it what you like.  There are pros and there are cons but all in all, like most things, moderation is probably key.  What do you think? How do you use social media? How does social media impact your life?.....

melancholic tails

feeling caged

internally enraged

the blank page

bona fide disengage

the voice timorous

over exposed experience

plagued by indifference

chasing deliverance

black nails

caught in details

when love fails

melancholic tails

six

Being the retrospective type, I feel compelled to mark this day, August 3 with words.
Today is the sixth anniversary of Daniel's suicide and while I am looking at it as "just another day", it does feel a little strange to be at home, sitting in the house where the final act took place. The years have created a distance that makes it ok to sit with this.

As anyone who has experienced trauma would tell you, the lead up to the anniversary brings with it a certain amount of anxiety.  This was me on Saturday.  An uncomfortable feeling of being lost, on edge and uneasy.  I couldn't write, I couldn't paint, I struggled to get dressed to go up to street to buy food.  Surprisingly, I baked an amazing dinner and managed to stay up past 7pm to watch a movie.  In all honesty though, I just wanted the day to be over so that I could start a fresh on Sunday.  Which I did.  Sunday morning I woke up knowing that I needed change.  The time had come for me to take the power back!  By that I mean, accepting the past for what it is and this date as a reminder of true horror that shaped me BUT I needed to reclaim this time in the land of the living.  The day is new and I am in it (whereas he is not), so I chose to own it. 

Me being me, it started with a new hair colour.  With the anxiety starting to sneak up on me, I knew that I couldn't have a repeat of Saturday.  Luckily for me, I knew that there was a free unplugged session on at the Ian Potter Centre (part of the National Gallery).  I was going on my own which was perfect as I just wanted to immerse myself in the moment.  There was something so powerful about hearing the beautiful vocals of Megan Washington be absorbed into the gallery walls.  She is a humble and inspiring woman.  Again, me being me, got my fan girl moment and had a brief chat with her about the relief one feels when the flow of writing returns and girls being girls, we rambled on about hair. Ha! This was the remedy I was looking for.

Today...
I woke up early wishing that this day didn't exist.  Not because I am upset about it but rather that I don't like the power it has over me, that it demands that i think about it, acknowledge it and validate it's importance.  Urgh!  Get up, get dressed, do make up and depart the house.  I met up with my lovely cousin for a chai latte and wandered around the shops. Normal. A few texts of support and I felt ok.  Normal.  Drove around, had a quick chat with a friend who called to make sure all was good (considering the date).

.......The time when we found him has just ticked over.  I thought it would be appropriate to have a glass of wine in memory. This is the first time in six years that I have been in the house at this time, on this day.  Normally I avoid it like the plague.  This year I thought I would confront that because all it really does it maintain the anxiety. Guess what... there is nothing to be anxious about.  That day and that horror has passed and finally it has found a place in my heart where it has nestled in to stay but it is a safe and sacred place that I feel strong enough to carry. Yes, I have my days but today is not one of them.  When they come, as distressing as they are, I know they pass.  Today I get to choose to not to try and relive that day, minute by minute.  Of course, it's there but I know engaging in the memory served no purpose.

Here is the proof of me (being ok) from earlier today. I am happy.  I could not have come this far without some of you (you know who you are and you know how much I love, adore and value you).  What you probably don't know is that I draw on your spirit often, more so on the days that are full of the bleak, the morose and the damn right miserable.  You keep me grounded, you keep me smiling, you keep me striving to challenge my comfort zone.  You keep me wanting more.  You don't know how much I truly love and appreciate......you.  Thank you. Xx

in the afterglow...

seems so easy in the afterglow

could let myself fall for you

i'm powerless, i think you know

it's in the love we share

intense in your stare

run my fingers through your hair

i cannot prepare

for the connection extraordinaire

as boundless as the sea

you taste like freedom

a home i'd rather be

insidious deciduous

the apathy insidious

how could i care?

in August deciduous

why did you dare?

i'm no longer furious

I've seen it all before

it's seasonally tedious

walking through this door

with anniversary #6 upon me, today i have found myself floored. my usually sarcastic witty self has stepped aside while the apathy has taken centre stage.  this is what happens a few days before my birthday every year now. because it was 10 days after my 35th birthday that everything changed. forever. the anniversary of a beloved to suicide is shitful (for lack of a better word).  it always will be.  

of course, not everything is bad these days, actually my life is probably the best it has been in a very long time but the challenges i face pull at my heartstrings and i tire easily. X

a holiday from my heart....

I had a holiday from my heart

There was peace & there was quiet

A retreat to restart

To incubate the riot

For life is a battlefield

We're on the front line

And love is our shield

We are united, divine.

There is often a wall, albeit protective, that stops you from experiencing the very things that makes you whole. It was recently said to me that my vulnerabilities are my strengths. I hadn't thought about it in this way before but I believe it is true for all of us.  It is an ultimate act of trust in yourself and your ability to allow.

This year, thus far, I have in part, blocked the connections to my heart.  Not for a fear but out of exhaustion.  Grief and building a life after trauma is tiresome. The stigma, drama & PTSD is something that nobody chooses but is dealt.  It isn't me but is a part of me.  It has brought me wisdom, courage and ties to life that I am forever grateful for.  I look at things differently than those who have not suffered great loss and the view can be intense and I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be a clueless git that doesn't have a care in the world.

The people in my life today are all courageous and have strength that inspires me.  I don't have much tolerance or time for the flippant type. In saying that though, they too can bring you gifts of awareness and I thank them for that whilst I keep on walking by. 

Today I am grateful for all that have both hindered and helped me. 

How have you accepted your vulnerabilities recently?.........

ed

the suffering and the silence

your voice is always here

the bat shit and the boredom

your voice is loud and clear

tender hooks

to die for looks

sneaky nooks

you're on the books

i am tired of your games

seductive as they be

you want to change the world

but you cant change me

restless sleep

connection's deep

talk is cheap

my soul to keep

you say you want a piece of me

famous last words i know

we're both aware of the lie

for you thrive within the low

decrease retreat

obsess deplete

tears defeat

rinse repeat