in the afterglow...

seems so easy in the afterglow

could let myself fall for you

i'm powerless, i think you know

it's in the love we share

intense in your stare

run my fingers through your hair

i cannot prepare

for the connection extraordinaire

as boundless as the sea

you taste like freedom

a home i'd rather be

insidious deciduous

the apathy insidious

how could i care?

in August deciduous

why did you dare?

i'm no longer furious

I've seen it all before

it's seasonally tedious

walking through this door

with anniversary #6 upon me, today i have found myself floored. my usually sarcastic witty self has stepped aside while the apathy has taken centre stage.  this is what happens a few days before my birthday every year now. because it was 10 days after my 35th birthday that everything changed. forever. the anniversary of a beloved to suicide is shitful (for lack of a better word).  it always will be.  

of course, not everything is bad these days, actually my life is probably the best it has been in a very long time but the challenges i face pull at my heartstrings and i tire easily. X

a holiday from my heart....

I had a holiday from my heart

There was peace & there was quiet

A retreat to restart

To incubate the riot

For life is a battlefield

We're on the front line

And love is our shield

We are united, divine.

There is often a wall, albeit protective, that stops you from experiencing the very things that makes you whole. It was recently said to me that my vulnerabilities are my strengths. I hadn't thought about it in this way before but I believe it is true for all of us.  It is an ultimate act of trust in yourself and your ability to allow.

This year, thus far, I have in part, blocked the connections to my heart.  Not for a fear but out of exhaustion.  Grief and building a life after trauma is tiresome. The stigma, drama & PTSD is something that nobody chooses but is dealt.  It isn't me but is a part of me.  It has brought me wisdom, courage and ties to life that I am forever grateful for.  I look at things differently than those who have not suffered great loss and the view can be intense and I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be a clueless git that doesn't have a care in the world.

The people in my life today are all courageous and have strength that inspires me.  I don't have much tolerance or time for the flippant type. In saying that though, they too can bring you gifts of awareness and I thank them for that whilst I keep on walking by. 

Today I am grateful for all that have both hindered and helped me. 

How have you accepted your vulnerabilities recently?.........

ed

the suffering and the silence

your voice is always here

the bat shit and the boredom

your voice is loud and clear

tender hooks

to die for looks

sneaky nooks

you're on the books

i am tired of your games

seductive as they be

you want to change the world

but you cant change me

restless sleep

connection's deep

talk is cheap

my soul to keep

you say you want a piece of me

famous last words i know

we're both aware of the lie

for you thrive within the low

decrease retreat

obsess deplete

tears defeat

rinse repeat

monotony, the great slayer

6:30 on a Sunday eve, sipping on a glass of red, listening to tracks that 'should' inspire words in an attempt to get back to writing.  It has been too long and while the absence has given me the space to look at things from a different angle, I know that there is an element of avoidance.  Do you do that?  Do you ever take a break from things and dance to a different beat (as some might say) but know, deep down that there is something missing?  Something that you know you 'should' be doing?  It could be anything but it is there and it nags at you.
I posted on my Facebook page for Musings last week a quote from Anais Nin.  For those that missed it, here it is....

It's been on my mind and it got me thinking about the robotic habit of life that we all get into at times and the restlessness I have been feeling recently.  Lord knows that I have had my share of things to shake me, awaken me and yet I still fall into that existence where the immediate becomes everything.  The 9-5, the bills, the chores and the sometimes suffocating drama of humans. These days I think I am more astute and will take the necessary steps to save my own skin.  Because, in my mind, monotony is to be feared, it is the slayer of passion, of all individualism and the reason (whatever it is) to continue living. 

In an effort to confront the slayer (aka, monotony) I ask myself, why is it that I avoid doing something that appears to be a passion?  For me, it is because passion (this passion in particular) hurts.  I need it but every emotion becomes inflamed, it leaves me vulnerable, raw and open.  It is those very things that I fall in love with.  I ache for them.  They break me and breath oxygen into me at the very same time.  Avoidance is a false vacation.  I know this. Sometimes I like to pretend and play the part of the character without a care, not a true care anyway. It's not just me though right?  We all have that one thing (or maybe a few things) that we love that fucking breaks our hearts simultaneously.  It is overwhelming and consuming.  When it gets like this, I need to escape.

This weekend I drove. A lot.
I was drawn to the ocean.
I had to feel that warm sand in my toes only to be cooled by the water washing over them.
I had to see the blue in the sky and the water.
I had to cry.
I had to be in the moment.
I had be submissive to the sun on my skin.  
I had to have music become part of me.  
I had to remember and I had to forget. 
I had to hold on and let go.  
I had to see the contrast.  
I had to feel the contrast.  
I HAD TO.  It was beyond want.

For me I needed that vast open space with no other human breathing down my neck.  The open space, the quiet and the grounding realisation that the world is wide.  We are not now or ever stuck in our ruts, no matter how much we feel that we are.  Feelings are not facts, sometimes I need the reminder.

Sunday night is a good time for reflection.  Most of us have had two glorious days to 'dance to our own beat'.

How was your weekend?  

the night garden

it seems so internal

an eternal encircle

my mood introspective

nocturnal nonverbal

with the thoughts that run wild

in a reversal rehearsal

and if my heart is open right now

its sentimental survival

i'm in heaven, i'm in hell

infertile infernal

dreaming of eden

mirthful maternal

you say you want a revolution, yeah well you know, we all wanna change the world....

This is about more than the average mondayitis...

The 9-5 (in my case 8-5 but who is counting hours?) is a fucking drag!  The daily grind of the same old faces (some I adore but most I do not), the same old problems, complaints, drama & lies, lies, lies.  The same old joys that get you through the day, the laughs with friends and the love from the animals.  Come home to the television, it's been designed to dumb you down, numb your mind & keep you distracted.  Go for a walk, look at the sky, dare to dream of freedom.  This is life.  And yeah.. it could be a crap load worse but honestly.. IS.THIS.IT??  Have you been caught asking yourself this question?  I go through cycles of really being disheartened by the roles and rules that we humans play out.  

This isn't about getting a new job or changing the routine or getting out of the house or meeting new people. No! This is about changing something much much bigger than that.  It's not even about me or you, it is about us.  The global us and the lies and the manipulation that is forced down our throats every fucking day!

What am I rambling about?

Debt.  We've all got it.  We all spend our lives trying to pay it back. To be honest, I don't see my days being debt free and in part I think, who cares?  I can take my debts to my grave, then what?  Funny how we spend our lives trying to clear it though right? What you have is an illusion that your weekly pay packet teases you with. Money really is the biggest load of shit that Man ever invented!  The fat cats own it, all of it.  They will tell you we need to tighten our belts and then in the very next breath, they are spending gazillions on themselves.


Environmental threats.  Global warming is a fact.  The Amazon is being raped daily.  You can read more about that here.  How the hell we think that we are going to sustain our current lifestyles within the current climate is beyond me.  The planet is not happy yet we continue to disrespect it constantly (take a minute to think about the products you are endorsing by purchasing them, think about where they came from & who died for them).


Governments.  Do you honestly believe they are in charge? That they make the decisions? We are governed by corporations and money, the politicians are just the faces of the system. They lie to us every day and we accept it because we don't understand it and we don't know how to change it.  It was people like David Icke and Michael Moore that opened my eyes to the bullshit. Who opened your eyes?  And what do you think about how the power operates?

The Joneses.  You have to keep up with them right?  Once upon a time, 'The Joneses' were your neighbours.  You knew them (from a distance), they always had the perfect lawns and new cars.  Today it is keeping up with the Kardashians. What the fuck!!? It seems like social media creates Joneses in all of us.  So called reality television kind of does the same thing.  They make us want to have crap we don't need and be people we don't really deep down, don't want to be.



Personally, I find modern life to be one big fat old lie.  I don't have much faith or interest in it.  And yeah, ok, I wont lie to you, I have been known to love a ridiculously overpriced outfit BUT I am fully aware that it is irrelevant to my long term happiness.  Thus far, life has thrown me many a curve ball to remind me of what I truly want.  Maybe we want the same things, maybe we don't.  The point is that we are TRUE to what we want and don't give in.  I, like you, have given in and sacrificed my own truth (in the interest of pleasing other humans) and while it might have made them happy it sure as shit didn't do much for me.  I'm not preaching selfishness but rather endorsing honesty. I would be insulted if you did something against your truth to make me happy.  Do you think your nearest and dearest hold that view?

I am nobody in the bigger picture and I know that. All this is, is a woman and her laptop with rants about changing the world, my world, and your world but at the end of the day I wont change anything.  I'm not saying anything new but I do long for a revolution on a major scale.  I want things to change for all of us because we (the global we) are not happy.  I know I cannot save or change the world but I have to start somewhere and maybe that somewhere is my own personal revolution?  Maybe I will trigger you to think about your truth as I trigger myself to do the same thing in my own life.

Can you start your own revolution?
What would it look like?