all the single ladies...

I consider myself a strong single woman at 38 years of age.
It comes at a cost.
I lost the love of my life at 35 and adjusting to the "young widow" label was very confronting. And here we are in 2013, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I speak out regarding issues I am passionate about, I am honest and I might say things you do not like.

Labels are bullshit and are largely created for the sheeple of society.  You know the ones, they need to pigeon hole you so that they can then judge you.  What a load of crap! I've been labelled so many things in this life, some derogatory, defamatory, depersonalising & yes, even the odd revering comments have come my way from time to time. All of them meaningless unless you have faith in oneself.


Society has far too many expectations on the widow/ single women in their 30s.
It honestly is beyond a joke!
One either mopes around wearing a head to toe black costume OR is the career bitch without a care in the world for anyone but herself.  Both these extreme stereotypes I find offensive, by the way.

Apparently, I should have had children by now or have found new love.  I have neither. Nor do I crave them. I have found happiness in the chaos & I do not take for granted that I now can laugh every day. I have an opinion, a mind of my own. I have a voice and I will use it.  Take the opportunity that you have been granted with and run with it.

I didn't choose where I am but I do choose who I am.

By day, I am an Admin Manager, in a male dominated environment. I have to be strong & assertive. Some might say "a bitch", I'd rather call it an individualistic approach to a managerial position. By night, I am a hopeless romantic that enjoys the solace of silence with a glass of Margaret River red wine (thank you to my fabulous Nanna for introducing me to the finest wines in the country!).  My animals are the only creatures allowed to make noise in my home after 5, unless of course, I have a craving to pull out my vinyl.  TV is poison (Louis Theroux excluded).

I dream of a life with my rescue animals, my loved ones and my journal.  It is quiet and peaceful yet at times busy and full of madness. Life is for living. Stereotypes are for the uneducated.

connected disconnected

everyone's plugged in, headphones, iphones. (myself included).
it is so robotic & vacant. everyone avoiding eye contact with another one of their own species.

to me, it's overload.
the constant "on call" (connected) lifestyle we all live. if its not work, its the phone, email or facebook or a text message or the cat or the dog or some cunting neighbour mowing their lawn when all you want is an hour of peace.

what's your disconnect?
the obvious answer is sleep but it's not what really makes the divide between the demands & the respite.

i can dissociate perhaps a little to easily. A skill I've perfected over too many years on trains with uncouth commuters. Be it in the form of blasting my favourite tunes or engaging in that all familiar distant stare out the window, you know the one, we've all done it (or at least seen others do it).

Tonight on the train we have your older educated yet stylish man reading the paper, early 20 somethings on ipads playing games, a guy in his 50-60s sporting a laid back surfy style, complete with peroxided locks!, why do women wear shoes that don't fit? honestly? i want to know. i could slightly understand if the shoes were Louboutin. Is this another command from the mags? the telly? For women to wear shit that is clearly too friggin tight & most likely uncomfortable? Sometimes I feel screaming at them that they are all brainwashed sheeple. I desperately want people to WAKE THE FUCK UP! What would happen if society did wake up?....

Why "The Biggest Loser" is bad

An introduction to my eating disorder... It all began when I was about 10yrs old. Having footage beamed into our lounge rooms every night of starving Ethiopian children just filled me with immense guilt. I would tell my Mother that I would eat less so that those kids could have my share (little did I understand about capitalism). I managed my eating disorder, staying at a healthy weight but trying every bizarre new diet on the market plus a few I made up myself. That was until I was 31 & I longed for the voice to return, the one that makes you strong & able to say no to food. Before I knew it, this "voice" had taken over my life. I was severely emaciated & weighed EVERYTHING before I even thought of consuming it. With the support of great people, I, luckily, have been able to recover. It's been a long road, I lost my soul. Since my recovery I have lost my fiance to suicide which lead to nervous breakdowns that landed me in hospital. Thankfully, anorexia didn't rear his ugly head this time. 

The Biggest Loser
I still recall the very first season.
Who knows what stage of anorexia I was at, what I do recall was being thrilled with the motivation it gave me to exercise after the episode.  Obviously, I wasn't the only one.  In the beginning, my partner & I would see a number of people heading out of their houses for a brisk evening walk or jog.  I thought this was a good thing. As the show continued, I saw the obsession with calorie counting, specific diets and of course, the Sunday nail biter "the weigh in".  I wished I could lose as much as them.  I couldn't.

As the years went by, in my opinion, the show got worse, more extreme. Today, I cannot watch it for I learned (the hard way) how to manage a healthy weight. All I see in the commercials is contestants being belittled, put down, yelled at, being sick, crying and with forlorn expressions. The saddest part is to think that this show is aired in a very family friendly time slot. Just trying to imagine how many families sit down to watch this program together makes me hang my head in shame. What have we become? I really do feel for all those kids out there that are subject to this propaganda.  The messages they must be learning could be not only damaging but life threatening. Let's think about it (from the mind of our inner child)...

• It is ok if people in authority yell at me and call me names,it does make me feel bad about myself but they are "trainers" so they must be "right"
• If i am thin i am worthy of a relationship (think back to the "Singles" series that aired last year).
• People cheer and get excited when I lose weight, it must be VERY important (and being 'big' must be VERY bad).
• I am defined by my size (which is only good if I look like someone who works out at the gym for a living).
• I now associate the word "loser" with someone who is bad (fat, lazy, greedy etc)

Fat shaming, the obesity 'epidemic' and  extreme over correction is no way to control expanding waistlines.
Why, as a society, can we not appreciate good deeds, intelligence, kindness and respect?  It all comes down to what we/they can sell.  I can only be happy that I am now in a fairly strong recovery because programs that embrace unhealthy under eating & obsessional behaviour would only serve as a trigger.

To this day, I cannot believe that this type of show is allowed on the air, with a failing public health system, it shocks me to see that people are being pushed to follow this extremism.  Show me a study that says losing more than 500g per week is healthy or a study that says morbidly obese people should be expected to work out in a gym (I was so worried that "Big Kev" was going to have a heart attack!), I now know what a healthy diet consists of, how healthy weight loss works and the importance of fitness appropriate exercise. From what I've seen TBL doesn't promote this.

we belong

In my darkest days
you breathe life into me
without you

forever

i would

be existing in a haze

      love and light

      music and song

      together

      we belong

my heart knows true love

you've given me the greatest gift

I'm here

forever

I will

be with you, hand in glove

     tears and sorrow

     know no wrong

     always

     we belong

the pledge

 to have
   and to hold
to keep
   my heart cold
to burn
   break the mould
to bleed
   i am sold
to tears
   love is bold
to lose
   and to fold

normal humans?

I've just been reading about what "normal humans want" because well, i honestly am back to feeling like i don't fit into this life 2012. and i have to stop myself from confusing needs with wants. needs are of course a certain amount of food and water per day and sadly, in this society, enough money to keep a roof over our heads (and those of our loved ones). who but Dr Freud could help me with this dilemma?

and this pretty much sums me up today:
Civilization and its Discontents.” On the one hand, we are animals seeking pleasure, motivated only by “the pleasure principle.” On the other hand, we need the order of civilization to save us from the pain of chaos. But the restrictions of civilization curtail our desires. So the very thing we invented as a means to our happiness becomes our obstacle.

that hits the nail on the head my friends. i want to run away from the world i am a part of. i want to live far away from the constraints of the "normal" people. i want to be on my own land where i can run around in my pyjamas all day if i so wish, running free with my animals and doing what we are meant to do. live off the land. this world of 9-5 mortgage slavery. it is so confusing and to me seems everything far from a "normal" state.

self portrait