Elephants, grief and the zoo

When an 11 month old baby dies, it wreaks havoc on any family. An accidental death with an "approved and safe" toy.  Imagine a half-sibling is due to be born within days of this death. Think about the bereaved mother having to grieve her son and then be surrounded by the sounds and smell of a newborn. What about the older siblings that miss their mischievous brother and are then almost immediately provided with a new baby in the family. This entire situation would be beyond torturous.

Welcome to the Elephant enclosure this week at Melbourne Zoo.

Condolences and congratulation messages have swamped the Zoo's Victoria facebook page. Both are filled with honest and raw emotion. Rightly so. My first thoughts were filled with anger and sadness. I hope they have removed that fucking toy that caused the death of Sanook! I don't understand how such accidents can occur in an environment that attracts so much media attention, donations and funding. Yet here were are.  A toy has taken the life of a young calf and I start to think about elephants and grieving.

Elephants carry their grief for extensive periods.  They shed tears. They show signs of what humans call clinical depression. They come together as a family (or herd) and look out for one another. It is common for Aunts to mourn very closely with the Mother of a deceased calf.  They take the process of goodbye pretty seriously too. They perform burials and can spend days at the site. You can watch clips on YouTube of Elephants and respect they show the body of another who has died. It is pretty moving stuff. Beautiful and soft creatures these giants are.

I wonder why the staff at the Melbourne Zoo removed the body of Sanook after only a few hours. I can only assume that the viewing (aka paying) public couldn't be kept from seeing the elephant enclosure.Apparently the elephants are clearly in grief and have been seen huddling together. They are quiet and withdrawn but also looking out for the new mum. Surely during such a highly emotive week these creatures have the right to be spared prying eyes.

If a human baby accidentally died at home and a new baby was to be entering the family within days that child services would be all over it like a rash. Do young animals have that same right to scrutiny and safety?

RIP Sanook. Xx

today i burnt my anger & my fears...

Write down everything you are angry about and/or fear in life. Burn it.

Before...
I'm a bit aprehensive about this project but acknowledge that anger and fear both play a major part in my day to day living.  Being one not to avoid such things, I am going to try and redirect my focus on these two things because honestly, I'm anxious about the fear and I'm angry about the anger!  Nothing will ever totally eradicate either of these two traits and nor should they. Without the inhale there would be no exhale, as the buddhists would say.  How do I think I will feel during and after this project?
I imagine, if I allow the raw emotion that I will feel ever ounce of it. I imagine the buring will bring a sense of empowerment and control.

Here we go....

You know what... it just made me feel calm. It was good to SEE what all this anger and fear is (eventhough I am fully aware of these things in my mind, making them physical does something else). They are still inside of me, they didn't go away but they are not as dominant as they could be.

The hardest part was tearing up the anger and the fear. And while it did feel REALLY good, it is not something I have done before as I normally keep these 'records' as a memory of what was/is. Now I am ready to burn these bitches!!.....

The burning is the fun part, that is for sure!! goodbye anger and fear!

After...
I actually feel really good. Dare I say calm?
Anyone who knows me after work on a December day knows that this is very far from the norm.

heartbeat

our arms linked as we wandered through the city streets

we didn't care for the snickers and the stares

and i,

i could feel your heartbeat

a flicker

a flame

a fervidness

to blame

i rested my head on your shoulder as the music played

we didn't care for the world that night

and you,

you could feel my heartbeat

a whisper

a whetting

a whirlwind

to tame

in your firm embrace to bid goodnight

we didn't care for the rules or the righteous

as i,

i could feel your heartbeat

memento vivere

to memento vivere is to remember to live.

it can be a challenge with the demands of modern life

how do you memento vivere?

RUOK?

Who and what is RUOK?
RUOK is an Australian not for profit organisation founded by Gavin Larkin in 2009.
Gavin's dad completed suicide in 1995 and it was his goal to get people back in touch with each other. Gavin, like his dad also suffered with depression. He was a successful man, happily married with 3 kids. Sadly, Gavin passed away in 2011 after a battle with cancer. He was 42. His years were short but his message is strong.

So often, especially with social media, we forget to have those meaningful conversations with people in our lives. September 12 is the day allocated to remind us to check in with each other. Not just on this day but regularly. 

I feel awkward asking someone if they are OK...
You don't need to be a mental health professional to ask the question! You can be a friend, a family member, a work colleague, a fellow human! If you sense something is up, it is perfectly alright to be honest with someone. You don't need to solve their problems, you just need to listen. 

Will it really make a difference if I ask such a simple question?
YES!! When we are feeling low, we sometimes do not feel able to put our hand up and say 'I need help', let alone know who or where to turn for it. Some people feel too proud to admit to feeling bad. It can be so refreshing to feel noticed and heard! Imagine if you are that one person that listened and saved a life. Truly, this is how it works!

Alright, you are feeling like you can do this. So.... Just how do I ask someone if they are OK? It's not like I can just blurt it out....

Actually, you can blurt it out ;)
How awesome is that! It is THAT easy!!

You may however get a better response if you ask someone away from other people's prying ears. Not everyone wants their troubles obvious, voiced and discussed with the population en mass. 

 

You don't need to all uber serious and channel your inner Dr Phil either. You can have a joke, talk about goals/dreams, make plans, ask about home life, hobbies, favourite things (bands, TV shows, colours, parks, shops, animals, people, food, time of the day).




It's not my problem/business. So why is this so important?

Globally the World Health Organisation tells us that every 40 seconds someone completes suicide. We are talking over ONE MILLION LIVES LOST PER YEAR! Seriously! This is FUCKED!
They also tell us that up to ten people are affected by this. I, like others, would say it is more than that. Survivors need support also.
It is important because life IS hard and we are all in this TOGETHER. We can get through hard times and we can enjoy fun times.

Statistics in Australia tell us that:• Suicide is the leading cause of death for men under the age of 44 yrs
• Suicide is the leading cause of death for women under the age of 34 yrs• The population death rates are around 10/100,000 people every year
• Annual number of deaths by suicide has changed little over the last two decades remaining plateaued at around 2,300 each year
• 65,000 plan or attempt to take their life each year
• 400,000 people think about taking their life each year
• The Global Burden of Disease Report cited 36 million years of healthy life were lost as a result of suicide in 2010

Why is it important to me?
In 2009, when RUOK was launched, I lost my fiance to suicide. When this foundation was launched I was NOT OK. IAfter an extended period of shock, I was crying those first hard, deep, confused, scared and lost tears that we all do in the grief process.  Suicide grief is not the same as normal grief. There is stigma, taboo and apprehension from those around us. It was not long after this date that I checked myself in to a psychiatric ward for more help. I was lucky. I was strong enough to ask for extra help. I am lucky and appreciative of this strength and awareness. It wasn't always this way for me. Through my experience I have shared some amazing experiences with other survivors of a love one lost to suicide and those that have attempted themselves. When I thought nobody could or would understand I was blessed to meet people that did. I run a support group for those bereaved by suicide here at Never.Another.You  It is a private small and supportive group on facebook where survivors can share their stories, their sorrows and their victories.

If you are in crisis please contact a local emergency support service.

Australia

United Kingdom

United States of America

Singapore

Canada

Russian Federation

Germany
Spain
Poland

*If I haven't covered your area, I am sorry. You can google these contacts easily! Help is out there
Please feel free to add support networks in the comment section!

Per ardua ad astra (through adversity to the stars)

When you were a kid and you would look to the stars and dream of the unimaginable.  Deep down, you kind of thought, that if you wished hard enough and for long enough that dream just might come true.  As adults, we learn that dreams don't just come true over night, we have to fight and struggle to reach the stars. Sometimes we fail. Sometimes we don't.

What did you dream of? 

I would dream of the all romantic. White horses, lots of books, open fires, love, cats, kids, friends, to write and dare I even admit it.... to meet Kylie Minogue! ha! Well, I have a white cat, lots of books, an open fire, three cats, my friends have beautiful children I can kidnap and adore as I please, amazing strong inspirational friends, I write here at Musings which is brilliant (but secretly, I do long for something more) oh and yeah... I met Kylie.  Love is a confusing and complex topic for a girl like me.  I have known and lost true love in my 39 years, more than once. Life is far from that fairy tale I imagined when I was younger but that doesn't make it any less rewarding.

Do you still dream? As an adult? Or did you leave that in your childhood?

I dream of something more all the time. I dream of a return to my beloved London. I dream of a new house without all the complexities that the current one inflicts upon me daily. I dream of love (if I am honest). I dream of being swept off my feet.  It's true! Your super cynical blogger longs for her prince charming. Sometimes. I dream of making something of my words. I dream of making a change, an impact. I dream to matter. And here I am, per ardua ad astra.

Today a very dear friend of mine is flying high with those stars that he would've wished upon as a kid. It hasn't been an easy road but he has always been true to his passion and now his best work will take him even higher. I couldn't be more proud and excited. These moments are rare and we need to treasure them. This one's for you baby. Xx

per ardua ad astra

in love we are strong

live by the mantra

in love we belong

fear, asceticism & the nirvana principle

Today I had a good friend suggest that I take a look at fear.
Here is my take on it.....

Fear, the ultimate controlling force in our hearts, our minds, used by the powers that be to manipulate the masses. What is it about fear that makes us gullible? enslaves us against our desires? and turns us into good little members of society that do what we are told?

Ok, so I bet you are wondering, what is this asceticism & nirvana principle that you speak of?

Asceticism is the act of denying yourself of 'normal' pleasures be it for reasons of self discipline or religion. Picture a monk, living a humble and basic life or perhaps the anorexic who restricts his/her basic needs (essentially food but also a voice, a life, a right, enjoyment, love and so on).  Obviously the monk has his reasons for the way he chooses to live while the anorexic exists with the constant monologue that all stems back to the fear of being 'fat', not 'good enough' etc.

The 'nirvana principle' is one of Freud's terms. Nirvana being the Buddhist concept of nothingness, void and sometimes described as heaven.  Freud would say that the 'nirvana principle' is our basic longing for peace hence an escape from all the things we fear.  The average person achieves their day to day 'nirvana' through music, television, drugs, alcohol and sleep.  The nirvana principle is brought on by avoiding our mundane existence where we are controlled and avoid our true selves (including our fears).

President Franklin Roosevelt was quoted as saying "The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself".  The anticipation of our worst fears becoming reality is pretty frightening if you take a moment to sit down and think about it........

Fear attacks the ego, the superego, the identity and possibly a sense of sanity. We've all heard about the 'fight or flight' response living creatures have. In 2013, for those of us living in a first world environment, are we really faced with the stress that causes the 'fight or flight'? Or is this response something so ingrained in our makeup that we carry it through modern life? 

What are you scared of?
(And I am not talking about phobias)

Most of us are scared of being alone, rejected and/or misunderstood. We do all that we can to ensure our safety from these terrifying conundrums. We do what our family, loved ones, neighbours, friends, colleagues and the almighty television tells us is acceptable (or at least a version of the permitted behaviour). We have our Sunday roast, we mow the lawns and keep the garden tidy, we work in jobs where our minds rot and are not encouraged to grow, then we come home to a television that instills fear via the news or a series (if you do not have X then Y will not like you etc). It is all a load of bollocks!

What would happen if we just said.... FUCK IT!
I will not wear a fucking suit or other gender 'appropriate' outfits!
I will not mow my lawns because I am too busy reading a fucking book & educating myself!
I will not EVER look like I stepped out of the pages of Vogue magazine because I am not a manipulated photograph
I do not care if you do not accept me in the way that I choose to exist because I am being true to my fucking self!

Seriously..... what would happen in your life if you said "fuck it!"?  It could be a bit messy in the beginning yeah, but then what could happen?......... Think about it!

What if we all could run away and live how we wanted to live?
What if law was upheld because things are right or wrong instead of via wanky texts & even wankier lawyers? What if we could love who we love and hate who we hate? Why does society fear this so much? Why is being different and singing out of tune so fucking bad?

Who the hell decided that life would be a formula?

• birth
• learn to eat, walk, dress, shit in a toilet
• school
• work
• marriage
• kids
• work
• retirement
• do the garden, play bridge, eat scones
• disease
• death

That's the script we are all given, some of us obey it, some of us don't.  It is pretty fucking intense to fight against a global expectation and break free to be your own person. Then of course, there are all our own personal circumstances, sexuality, beliefs, health and inadequate quirks. What makes some people appear to be stronger? Maybe it is a major nirvana principle they have adopted? For the rest of us, we battle on, do what we can, when we can. We jump and have faith that the net will appear. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. What choice do we have? Stay inside or take the risk to be an individual? Both come with risks. The question is, will fear be your defining attribute?