Velveteen

It has been a long break between posts and today I am wondering if it was an act of blocking, denying, avoiding or just a word drought.  Maybe it is a combination or maybe it was just life.

Today is one of those days that I am feeling a sad nostalgic romantic sense of "why"'.  In the words of Candida Doyle & Jarvis Cocker, I sit here wondering..

What is this feeling called love?
Why me? Why you?
Why here? Why now?

Life is strange.  You get up, do what you need to do and somehow it creates a private internal world between yourself and those you care to share it with.  It sounds logical but also complicated.

What world have I created for myself?
I actually don't really know the answer to this.  Can you answer this?

If I am totally honest, I think I have made some epic mistakes.  I have probably also made some wise decisions along the way but for the most part, I think I mucked up the plan. Life was meant to be (in my imagination) a rich, deep, deliciously messy, whirlwind of chaos. I carry myself as if this might be the case but is it really just living in velveteen?

If self esteem is built on a sense of worth, which has been derived from a sense of purpose or achievement then yeah, I have had my challenges but I think I do ok.  And purpose is the reason we all get up each day right?  So where is the missing link and why can't I access it?
Where, what and why is the longing for the luscious velvet to wrap myself in?

Where a deepest love

exists in the richest shade

where an acute pain

exists in the masquerade

For it was velvet

that she dreamed of

And it was velvet

that she danced with

At night. A vivid darkness

Positioned in burgundy, mulberry,

pure and untouched

An unconditional sanctuary

white

According to colour psychology, "white is color at its most complete and pure, the color of perfection. White is purity, innocence, wholeness and completion.  In color psychology white is the color of new beginnings, wiping the slate clean, so to speak. It is the blank canvas waiting to be written upon. While white isn't stimulating to the senses, it opens the way for the creation of anything the mind can conceive.

Today, May 29 is a day to wear something white in support of those that suffer from mental illness & those who have lost loved ones to suicide.

White is close to my heart today.

As you most likely know if you follow this blog, I lost my dearest true love to suicide in 2009.  A day has not passed where I do not think of him, talk about him and remember that horrid day.  I have also reconnected with someone from my youth whom I love deeply because they lost someone to suicide in that same year.  Through the horror that we both lived, we came back together and are closer than ever.  I cannot imagine my life without this amazing friend.  We are connected, unconditionally for the rest of our days.  I also made many friends online through a support group I created after Daniel's suicide.  They have helped shape who I have become today.  

The suicide of someone you love quite possibly is the worst thing that anyone can experience.  It is traumatic beyond comprehension.  The silver lining of the experience for me is that I learnt so much about who my true friends are, about my own mental illness and also my own strength.  Something that continues to be tested as the years pass by.  If I was ever tempted to have my future told and I was warned of the trying times I would experience, I am not sure I would be here today or at very least here with the strength that I have.

This past week I have had the fright of my life, being investigated for cancer.  My initial reaction when told "this doesn't look good" was one of complete and total shock.  I would sit and stare and cry randomly and then nothing. I was freezing, no amount of layering, blankets (including the electric one on the bed) would keep me warm. I couldn't eat or drink and would stop talking mid sentence because it was all too much for my wee brain.  I reminded myself of how I was after finding Daniel. I worried about work falling behind, I worried about the impact I would have on my family and I was horrified that there was a possibility that the beacon of light in my life, a boy I would die for, would have to see me sick.  He has enough on his plate with his own anxieties and I did not want to add to that!

There was a little voice in my mind that gently whispered "you can get through this because right now you are, in fact, ok".  I said to one of my best friends, "we are ok even in our final breath".  Slightly morbid but also a beautiful fact.  It was this that got me through a week of ultrasounds, CT scans, MRIs, blood work and internal examinations.  I recalled how I beat acute anorexia in adulthood, how I learnt to live with the suicide of Daniel only 6 months into a stable recovery from the anorexia, how I somehow, through every dark shadow that I have ever carried, survived.  I reminded myself that my heroine once called me a "warrior woman".  I called on the support of all of my friends and family.  Whatever the outcome, I was going to be ok. Why? Because I was (and am) ok in this very fucking moment.  Things are looking good on the results front and while I am still a bit anxious, I can at least start to breath again.  Thank goodness for the stellar people I have in my life whom I can lean on time and time again.

During this week I decided to only deal with the current minute and make no plans for what would happen later that day or in the future.  I did not allow my mind to get ahead of itself.  There was no point for the only thing I had control of was that minute.  And really, that is all we ever have.  This is a major shift for me.  A new beginning.  I am sick to death of negativity and I don't want to be a part of it.  Of course, I am a sarcastic cynic and that will never change but this focus that society and people have on the shitty things in life (and lets be totally honest here... there are WAYYYYY too many bad things going on in the world), I am breaking away from it.  I can't be fucked with it.  It is too draining and fuck it! I want good things!

So today, I wear white for survivors, for those who struggle, for my story, for your story and for new beginnings.  Who or why are you wearing white for?

12/ words & phrases

Two words/phrases that make me laugh.....

Apart from yesterday's "slutty crisp" meme, I don't think there is specifically any words/phrases that crack me up.  It is always about timing & tone. Right?

I do however have favourite words and I love Latin phrases.  

I am particularly fond of the word 'defongerate' (thank you to my dear late Pa) which means (in his words) 'to fuck off quickly'.

And being the nerd that I proudly am, I have an app of Latin phrases.
My favourite phrase being 'per ardua ad astra' which translates to 'from adversity to the stars'.  This phrase I have tattooed on my left inside wrist to remind me that when things are at their worst there can be (and will) a silver lining because great things can be produced out of a crisis.

    

11/ Current relationship....

A few days break as I was away on holidays but I am back to continue the challenge with a topic that I have touched on in a recent post... relationships. 


Technically, I would be classed as single.  I say 'technically' as I wonder how long one can class themselves as 'widowed' , especially when I was widowed at a young age.  

I am confused by partnerships and wonder why we cannot (or do not) do it alone.  When we are in a relationship are we no longer an individual? Some people do morph into each other.  It baffles me.  Where do their own beliefs and joys go?  Is it part of the sacrifice one makes for the bigger picture of their life?  As I said, it baffles me.

My history of relationships is one full of dramatics and when I think 'would I ever allow another relationship in my life?', I think of all the stress and drama and compromises and I come up with a very simple 'No!' (If only things were so black and white!).  

Of course, not all relationships are bad and not all parts of my own history are bad.  There are many many pros to being in a partnership with another human.  There are the financial, the emotional and the social pros.  And yeah, sometimes I do miss aspects of these things.  I miss being able to discuss the state of the world (political and environmental), the frustrations of the day and having that shoulder to lean on during a crisis.  

I met my fiance when I was in a phase of wanting to run away and live on a farm with cows, horses, dogs and cats (no humans!).  I was all set and ready to leave this rat race and not carry the burden of human interactions.  I didn't run away.  I stayed.  Love was greater.

Being alone, it is hard.  I will not lie.
But for me.....  Relationships make me second guess myself, they make me bat shit crazy.  I constantly wonder/worry what the other person thinks.  I drive myself insane trying to please them.  I feel intense guilt for wanting to do things on my own or with my friends without 'them'.  I can become jealous and paranoid and feel like an out of control lunatic!  When I am single I am not these things.  I am strong and independent and proud (for the most part) of the things I have accomplished.  I can speak up and out without fear of persecution. I can lay about in my pyjamas all day with my beloved animals or I can go for a long drive and clear my mind.  I can make plans or I can live spontaneously.  I can go on holidays with whomever I please, whenever I please as long as the bank account agrees.  I can do all of this without having to consult another person.  Being in a stable relationship with myself is something I am immensely protective of.  It isn't  always easy living with me.  I can be down right horrid to myself at times but building the trust towards and within myself is crucial for my survival.  It is no secret that I don't hold the human race in high regard, I am however, very lucky to have some amazing humans in my life that I would never want to be without.

All in all...
Can I see myself in another long term relationship?  Not really.
Would I reject it if the right person came along? I think I would make it difficult to break down the barriers but if they are the right person, that wont matter ;)

How do you view your history with relationships?
Do you change when in a relationship?
Is your life enriched within your current status (whatever that may be)?..........

10 facts...

10 'interesting' facts about me that you may or may not know.....

1/ Long fingernails nauseate me, especially the sound they make on a keyboard. Urgh! (shudders).

2/ I am confused by humans. Their actions & priorities seem out of sync compared to other animals. 

3/ I enjoy doing things that I am scared of.  The thrill is intense!

4/ I wish I was vegan again but feel I am too lazy/disorganised.  I am ashamed to admit this & am aware it's a lame cop out.

5/ I leave the tv/radio on for my pets when I go out at night.

6/ When I was a kid, I loved working out how far away a storm was (by calculating the number of seconds between a lightening strike & a crack of thunder).

7/ The texture of yogurt freaks me out.  I feel like I am eating slime!

8/ My pride is my weakness.

9/ I have an intense fear that I will die alone.

10/ I hate attention but love standing out in a crowd. 

Try this about yourself

Consider sharing it vs keeping it private

Would your facts differ?......

first loves...

Apparently you never get over your first love.  However, I don't remember my first love as some big monumentus event that impacted my view of future relationships.  Looking back on it now, it was probably your typical teenage experience.  Yes, I was most likely excited about the prospect of having a boyfriend and of course I remember my first kiss.  Again, not mind blowing! ;)

Sure, I had a few boyfriends before I entered a long term relationship.  To be honest, they were jerks.  If I am totally honest, I was probably a jerk too! (Nobody is cool in their teens... Nobody!). Those early relationships taught me a lot about the influence of peers (or attempted influence).  I learnt that love can turn you into a paranoid psychopath.  Friends, books, movies and TV never warned me about that.  They taught me about myself, about who I am, what I expect and how obsessive I can become.  I learnt that love can break your heart in ways you could never imagine.  I am still learning about that. (Do we ever stop learning that?)

Today I am a bit jaded by the whole love-thang.  Maybe there has been too much devastation, betrayal and loss?  The idea of it (in a relationship context) is 'nice' and I am glad other people experience it as a positive but for me.... right now.... relationships = pain and I am not ready for more of that.  The love I get from my friends, family, animals and a few little people that I adore beyond words, they are enough to get me by.... well, not always but I accept the limitations.

Who was your first love?
Did it shape you?
Do you remember it fondly... or not?
How do you feel about it now?

memories

My first memory is of my 2nd birthday party.

We were at Melbourne Zoo, my first time there apparently.  I vividly remember running around the grassy area near the lion enclosure and I heard that magnificent ROAR! Mum says I was besotted with the almighty lion from that day forward.  Even today, I am facinated by them and could watch them for hours on end.

And just like the lion,
I am fiercly protective and loyal and

I enjoy lazing about with my pride (cats & dog).

What is your first memory?

How did it shape you?

Do you remember it fondly?

5 problems with social media....

It is quite paradoxical that my return to the blog is under the title of "5 problems with social media".  I have taken a major step away from social media over the past six months. Living alone and being a bit of a loner means that I don't see friends as often as they or I would probably like.  Sometimes social media felt like I was out and about in the world but I found that time offline meant that I actually spoke to those close to me more often rather than them just "liking" a post. I also wonder if it kept me awake when I would check it at night when I would go through my bouts of insomnia.

• 1/ The constant, in your face, screaming for attention (aka 'likes"). Do people actually live such dramatic/exciting lives or is it all just for show?  Personally I find it to be a drainer.

• 2/ The need to check what is going on online (or post online) can border on obsessive and inhibits quality time spent in the real world.... doing things one actually enjoys (or needs to do). 

• 3/ May encourage a false sense of importance and by that I mean... self esteem can be effected (at both ends of the scale) depending on number of friends/likes/interactions and so on. 

• 4/ The feeling that you are 'in' someone's life when really you are just commenting on what they are doing rather than being involved 'with' them.  Sometimes it is just 'easier' to sit on the couch and communicate electronically rather than making an effort.

• 5/ Psychologists will tell you that children who use social media have higher rates of depression & anxiety.  In adults, I wonder if we put down our phones and didn't check in for a week, would there also be anxious feelings that would arise?

While all of this sounds uber negative, I don't think social media is all bad.  I have made some amazing friends online, I also get to see what my overseas friends are up to. I get to follow pages that keep me up to date with issues I am interested in and I get to share my musings.

Take from it what you like.  There are pros and there are cons but all in all, like most things, moderation is probably key.  What do you think? How do you use social media? How does social media impact your life?.....

melancholic tails

feeling caged

internally enraged

the blank page

bona fide disengage

the voice timorous

over exposed experience

plagued by indifference

chasing deliverance

black nails

caught in details

when love fails

melancholic tails

six

Being the retrospective type, I feel compelled to mark this day, August 3 with words.
Today is the sixth anniversary of Daniel's suicide and while I am looking at it as "just another day", it does feel a little strange to be at home, sitting in the house where the final act took place. The years have created a distance that makes it ok to sit with this.

As anyone who has experienced trauma would tell you, the lead up to the anniversary brings with it a certain amount of anxiety.  This was me on Saturday.  An uncomfortable feeling of being lost, on edge and uneasy.  I couldn't write, I couldn't paint, I struggled to get dressed to go up to street to buy food.  Surprisingly, I baked an amazing dinner and managed to stay up past 7pm to watch a movie.  In all honesty though, I just wanted the day to be over so that I could start a fresh on Sunday.  Which I did.  Sunday morning I woke up knowing that I needed change.  The time had come for me to take the power back!  By that I mean, accepting the past for what it is and this date as a reminder of true horror that shaped me BUT I needed to reclaim this time in the land of the living.  The day is new and I am in it (whereas he is not), so I chose to own it. 

Me being me, it started with a new hair colour.  With the anxiety starting to sneak up on me, I knew that I couldn't have a repeat of Saturday.  Luckily for me, I knew that there was a free unplugged session on at the Ian Potter Centre (part of the National Gallery).  I was going on my own which was perfect as I just wanted to immerse myself in the moment.  There was something so powerful about hearing the beautiful vocals of Megan Washington be absorbed into the gallery walls.  She is a humble and inspiring woman.  Again, me being me, got my fan girl moment and had a brief chat with her about the relief one feels when the flow of writing returns and girls being girls, we rambled on about hair. Ha! This was the remedy I was looking for.

Today...
I woke up early wishing that this day didn't exist.  Not because I am upset about it but rather that I don't like the power it has over me, that it demands that i think about it, acknowledge it and validate it's importance.  Urgh!  Get up, get dressed, do make up and depart the house.  I met up with my lovely cousin for a chai latte and wandered around the shops. Normal. A few texts of support and I felt ok.  Normal.  Drove around, had a quick chat with a friend who called to make sure all was good (considering the date).

.......The time when we found him has just ticked over.  I thought it would be appropriate to have a glass of wine in memory. This is the first time in six years that I have been in the house at this time, on this day.  Normally I avoid it like the plague.  This year I thought I would confront that because all it really does it maintain the anxiety. Guess what... there is nothing to be anxious about.  That day and that horror has passed and finally it has found a place in my heart where it has nestled in to stay but it is a safe and sacred place that I feel strong enough to carry. Yes, I have my days but today is not one of them.  When they come, as distressing as they are, I know they pass.  Today I get to choose to not to try and relive that day, minute by minute.  Of course, it's there but I know engaging in the memory served no purpose.

Here is the proof of me (being ok) from earlier today. I am happy.  I could not have come this far without some of you (you know who you are and you know how much I love, adore and value you).  What you probably don't know is that I draw on your spirit often, more so on the days that are full of the bleak, the morose and the damn right miserable.  You keep me grounded, you keep me smiling, you keep me striving to challenge my comfort zone.  You keep me wanting more.  You don't know how much I truly love and appreciate......you.  Thank you. Xx

in the afterglow...

seems so easy in the afterglow

could let myself fall for you

i'm powerless, i think you know

it's in the love we share

intense in your stare

run my fingers through your hair

i cannot prepare

for the connection extraordinaire

as boundless as the sea

you taste like freedom

a home i'd rather be

insidious deciduous

the apathy insidious

how could i care?

in August deciduous

why did you dare?

i'm no longer furious

I've seen it all before

it's seasonally tedious

walking through this door

with anniversary #6 upon me, today i have found myself floored. my usually sarcastic witty self has stepped aside while the apathy has taken centre stage.  this is what happens a few days before my birthday every year now. because it was 10 days after my 35th birthday that everything changed. forever. the anniversary of a beloved to suicide is shitful (for lack of a better word).  it always will be.  

of course, not everything is bad these days, actually my life is probably the best it has been in a very long time but the challenges i face pull at my heartstrings and i tire easily. X

a holiday from my heart....

I had a holiday from my heart

There was peace & there was quiet

A retreat to restart

To incubate the riot

For life is a battlefield

We're on the front line

And love is our shield

We are united, divine.

There is often a wall, albeit protective, that stops you from experiencing the very things that makes you whole. It was recently said to me that my vulnerabilities are my strengths. I hadn't thought about it in this way before but I believe it is true for all of us.  It is an ultimate act of trust in yourself and your ability to allow.

This year, thus far, I have in part, blocked the connections to my heart.  Not for a fear but out of exhaustion.  Grief and building a life after trauma is tiresome. The stigma, drama & PTSD is something that nobody chooses but is dealt.  It isn't me but is a part of me.  It has brought me wisdom, courage and ties to life that I am forever grateful for.  I look at things differently than those who have not suffered great loss and the view can be intense and I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be a clueless git that doesn't have a care in the world.

The people in my life today are all courageous and have strength that inspires me.  I don't have much tolerance or time for the flippant type. In saying that though, they too can bring you gifts of awareness and I thank them for that whilst I keep on walking by. 

Today I am grateful for all that have both hindered and helped me. 

How have you accepted your vulnerabilities recently?.........

ed

the suffering and the silence

your voice is always here

the bat shit and the boredom

your voice is loud and clear

tender hooks

to die for looks

sneaky nooks

you're on the books

i am tired of your games

seductive as they be

you want to change the world

but you cant change me

restless sleep

connection's deep

talk is cheap

my soul to keep

you say you want a piece of me

famous last words i know

we're both aware of the lie

for you thrive within the low

decrease retreat

obsess deplete

tears defeat

rinse repeat

monotony, the great slayer

6:30 on a Sunday eve, sipping on a glass of red, listening to tracks that 'should' inspire words in an attempt to get back to writing.  It has been too long and while the absence has given me the space to look at things from a different angle, I know that there is an element of avoidance.  Do you do that?  Do you ever take a break from things and dance to a different beat (as some might say) but know, deep down that there is something missing?  Something that you know you 'should' be doing?  It could be anything but it is there and it nags at you.
I posted on my Facebook page for Musings last week a quote from Anais Nin.  For those that missed it, here it is....

It's been on my mind and it got me thinking about the robotic habit of life that we all get into at times and the restlessness I have been feeling recently.  Lord knows that I have had my share of things to shake me, awaken me and yet I still fall into that existence where the immediate becomes everything.  The 9-5, the bills, the chores and the sometimes suffocating drama of humans. These days I think I am more astute and will take the necessary steps to save my own skin.  Because, in my mind, monotony is to be feared, it is the slayer of passion, of all individualism and the reason (whatever it is) to continue living. 

In an effort to confront the slayer (aka, monotony) I ask myself, why is it that I avoid doing something that appears to be a passion?  For me, it is because passion (this passion in particular) hurts.  I need it but every emotion becomes inflamed, it leaves me vulnerable, raw and open.  It is those very things that I fall in love with.  I ache for them.  They break me and breath oxygen into me at the very same time.  Avoidance is a false vacation.  I know this. Sometimes I like to pretend and play the part of the character without a care, not a true care anyway. It's not just me though right?  We all have that one thing (or maybe a few things) that we love that fucking breaks our hearts simultaneously.  It is overwhelming and consuming.  When it gets like this, I need to escape.

This weekend I drove. A lot.
I was drawn to the ocean.
I had to feel that warm sand in my toes only to be cooled by the water washing over them.
I had to see the blue in the sky and the water.
I had to cry.
I had to be in the moment.
I had be submissive to the sun on my skin.  
I had to have music become part of me.  
I had to remember and I had to forget. 
I had to hold on and let go.  
I had to see the contrast.  
I had to feel the contrast.  
I HAD TO.  It was beyond want.

For me I needed that vast open space with no other human breathing down my neck.  The open space, the quiet and the grounding realisation that the world is wide.  We are not now or ever stuck in our ruts, no matter how much we feel that we are.  Feelings are not facts, sometimes I need the reminder.

Sunday night is a good time for reflection.  Most of us have had two glorious days to 'dance to our own beat'.

How was your weekend?  

the night garden

it seems so internal

an eternal encircle

my mood introspective

nocturnal nonverbal

with the thoughts that run wild

in a reversal rehearsal

and if my heart is open right now

its sentimental survival

i'm in heaven, i'm in hell

infertile infernal

dreaming of eden

mirthful maternal

you say you want a revolution, yeah well you know, we all wanna change the world....

This is about more than the average mondayitis...

The 9-5 (in my case 8-5 but who is counting hours?) is a fucking drag!  The daily grind of the same old faces (some I adore but most I do not), the same old problems, complaints, drama & lies, lies, lies.  The same old joys that get you through the day, the laughs with friends and the love from the animals.  Come home to the television, it's been designed to dumb you down, numb your mind & keep you distracted.  Go for a walk, look at the sky, dare to dream of freedom.  This is life.  And yeah.. it could be a crap load worse but honestly.. IS.THIS.IT??  Have you been caught asking yourself this question?  I go through cycles of really being disheartened by the roles and rules that we humans play out.  

This isn't about getting a new job or changing the routine or getting out of the house or meeting new people. No! This is about changing something much much bigger than that.  It's not even about me or you, it is about us.  The global us and the lies and the manipulation that is forced down our throats every fucking day!

What am I rambling about?

Debt.  We've all got it.  We all spend our lives trying to pay it back. To be honest, I don't see my days being debt free and in part I think, who cares?  I can take my debts to my grave, then what?  Funny how we spend our lives trying to clear it though right? What you have is an illusion that your weekly pay packet teases you with. Money really is the biggest load of shit that Man ever invented!  The fat cats own it, all of it.  They will tell you we need to tighten our belts and then in the very next breath, they are spending gazillions on themselves.


Environmental threats.  Global warming is a fact.  The Amazon is being raped daily.  You can read more about that here.  How the hell we think that we are going to sustain our current lifestyles within the current climate is beyond me.  The planet is not happy yet we continue to disrespect it constantly (take a minute to think about the products you are endorsing by purchasing them, think about where they came from & who died for them).


Governments.  Do you honestly believe they are in charge? That they make the decisions? We are governed by corporations and money, the politicians are just the faces of the system. They lie to us every day and we accept it because we don't understand it and we don't know how to change it.  It was people like David Icke and Michael Moore that opened my eyes to the bullshit. Who opened your eyes?  And what do you think about how the power operates?

The Joneses.  You have to keep up with them right?  Once upon a time, 'The Joneses' were your neighbours.  You knew them (from a distance), they always had the perfect lawns and new cars.  Today it is keeping up with the Kardashians. What the fuck!!? It seems like social media creates Joneses in all of us.  So called reality television kind of does the same thing.  They make us want to have crap we don't need and be people we don't really deep down, don't want to be.



Personally, I find modern life to be one big fat old lie.  I don't have much faith or interest in it.  And yeah, ok, I wont lie to you, I have been known to love a ridiculously overpriced outfit BUT I am fully aware that it is irrelevant to my long term happiness.  Thus far, life has thrown me many a curve ball to remind me of what I truly want.  Maybe we want the same things, maybe we don't.  The point is that we are TRUE to what we want and don't give in.  I, like you, have given in and sacrificed my own truth (in the interest of pleasing other humans) and while it might have made them happy it sure as shit didn't do much for me.  I'm not preaching selfishness but rather endorsing honesty. I would be insulted if you did something against your truth to make me happy.  Do you think your nearest and dearest hold that view?

I am nobody in the bigger picture and I know that. All this is, is a woman and her laptop with rants about changing the world, my world, and your world but at the end of the day I wont change anything.  I'm not saying anything new but I do long for a revolution on a major scale.  I want things to change for all of us because we (the global we) are not happy.  I know I cannot save or change the world but I have to start somewhere and maybe that somewhere is my own personal revolution?  Maybe I will trigger you to think about your truth as I trigger myself to do the same thing in my own life.

Can you start your own revolution?
What would it look like?

and you are on my mind

i think about you

when i close my eyes

boy, i need your body

and it was never 

never what i planned

when i close my eyes

boy, i want your body

and some things go unsaid

'cause they aren't meant to be

when i close my eyes
boy, i miss your body

and when i'm inside you

i can be myself

and you hold me in a way

where others fear to delve

because you know me

and you keep me safe

from all of the demons

that can dominate my space

and it's you that i long for

all day long

because you know me

you're where i belong

monday

i wish my room was dark

i don't like the sun

for it stole my heart

and an idea of fun

i cannot face the sky

no, not today

better to dream of love

in my safe hideaway