monotony, the great slayer

6:30 on a Sunday eve, sipping on a glass of red, listening to tracks that 'should' inspire words in an attempt to get back to writing.  It has been too long and while the absence has given me the space to look at things from a different angle, I know that there is an element of avoidance.  Do you do that?  Do you ever take a break from things and dance to a different beat (as some might say) but know, deep down that there is something missing?  Something that you know you 'should' be doing?  It could be anything but it is there and it nags at you.
I posted on my Facebook page for Musings last week a quote from Anais Nin.  For those that missed it, here it is....

It's been on my mind and it got me thinking about the robotic habit of life that we all get into at times and the restlessness I have been feeling recently.  Lord knows that I have had my share of things to shake me, awaken me and yet I still fall into that existence where the immediate becomes everything.  The 9-5, the bills, the chores and the sometimes suffocating drama of humans. These days I think I am more astute and will take the necessary steps to save my own skin.  Because, in my mind, monotony is to be feared, it is the slayer of passion, of all individualism and the reason (whatever it is) to continue living. 

In an effort to confront the slayer (aka, monotony) I ask myself, why is it that I avoid doing something that appears to be a passion?  For me, it is because passion (this passion in particular) hurts.  I need it but every emotion becomes inflamed, it leaves me vulnerable, raw and open.  It is those very things that I fall in love with.  I ache for them.  They break me and breath oxygen into me at the very same time.  Avoidance is a false vacation.  I know this. Sometimes I like to pretend and play the part of the character without a care, not a true care anyway. It's not just me though right?  We all have that one thing (or maybe a few things) that we love that fucking breaks our hearts simultaneously.  It is overwhelming and consuming.  When it gets like this, I need to escape.

This weekend I drove. A lot.
I was drawn to the ocean.
I had to feel that warm sand in my toes only to be cooled by the water washing over them.
I had to see the blue in the sky and the water.
I had to cry.
I had to be in the moment.
I had be submissive to the sun on my skin.  
I had to have music become part of me.  
I had to remember and I had to forget. 
I had to hold on and let go.  
I had to see the contrast.  
I had to feel the contrast.  
I HAD TO.  It was beyond want.

For me I needed that vast open space with no other human breathing down my neck.  The open space, the quiet and the grounding realisation that the world is wide.  We are not now or ever stuck in our ruts, no matter how much we feel that we are.  Feelings are not facts, sometimes I need the reminder.

Sunday night is a good time for reflection.  Most of us have had two glorious days to 'dance to our own beat'.

How was your weekend?