feeling caged
internally enraged
the blank page
bona fide disengage
the voice timorous
over exposed experience
plagued by indifference
chasing deliverance
black nails
caught in details
when love fails
melancholic tails
Being the retrospective type, I feel compelled to mark this day, August 3 with words.
Today is the sixth anniversary of Daniel's suicide and while I am looking at it as "just another day", it does feel a little strange to be at home, sitting in the house where the final act took place. The years have created a distance that makes it ok to sit with this.
As anyone who has experienced trauma would tell you, the lead up to the anniversary brings with it a certain amount of anxiety. This was me on Saturday. An uncomfortable feeling of being lost, on edge and uneasy. I couldn't write, I couldn't paint, I struggled to get dressed to go up to street to buy food. Surprisingly, I baked an amazing dinner and managed to stay up past 7pm to watch a movie. In all honesty though, I just wanted the day to be over so that I could start a fresh on Sunday. Which I did. Sunday morning I woke up knowing that I needed change. The time had come for me to take the power back! By that I mean, accepting the past for what it is and this date as a reminder of true horror that shaped me BUT I needed to reclaim this time in the land of the living. The day is new and I am in it (whereas he is not), so I chose to own it.
Me being me, it started with a new hair colour. With the anxiety starting to sneak up on me, I knew that I couldn't have a repeat of Saturday. Luckily for me, I knew that there was a free unplugged session on at the Ian Potter Centre (part of the National Gallery). I was going on my own which was perfect as I just wanted to immerse myself in the moment. There was something so powerful about hearing the beautiful vocals of Megan Washington be absorbed into the gallery walls. She is a humble and inspiring woman. Again, me being me, got my fan girl moment and had a brief chat with her about the relief one feels when the flow of writing returns and girls being girls, we rambled on about hair. Ha! This was the remedy I was looking for.
Today...
I woke up early wishing that this day didn't exist. Not because I am upset about it but rather that I don't like the power it has over me, that it demands that i think about it, acknowledge it and validate it's importance. Urgh! Get up, get dressed, do make up and depart the house. I met up with my lovely cousin for a chai latte and wandered around the shops. Normal. A few texts of support and I felt ok. Normal. Drove around, had a quick chat with a friend who called to make sure all was good (considering the date).
.......The time when we found him has just ticked over. I thought it would be appropriate to have a glass of wine in memory. This is the first time in six years that I have been in the house at this time, on this day. Normally I avoid it like the plague. This year I thought I would confront that because all it really does it maintain the anxiety. Guess what... there is nothing to be anxious about. That day and that horror has passed and finally it has found a place in my heart where it has nestled in to stay but it is a safe and sacred place that I feel strong enough to carry. Yes, I have my days but today is not one of them. When they come, as distressing as they are, I know they pass. Today I get to choose to not to try and relive that day, minute by minute. Of course, it's there but I know engaging in the memory served no purpose.
Here is the proof of me (being ok) from earlier today. I am happy. I could not have come this far without some of you (you know who you are and you know how much I love, adore and value you). What you probably don't know is that I draw on your spirit often, more so on the days that are full of the bleak, the morose and the damn right miserable. You keep me grounded, you keep me smiling, you keep me striving to challenge my comfort zone. You keep me wanting more. You don't know how much I truly love and appreciate......you. Thank you. Xx
Here is the proof of me (being ok) from earlier today. I am happy. I could not have come this far without some of you (you know who you are and you know how much I love, adore and value you). What you probably don't know is that I draw on your spirit often, more so on the days that are full of the bleak, the morose and the damn right miserable. You keep me grounded, you keep me smiling, you keep me striving to challenge my comfort zone. You keep me wanting more. You don't know how much I truly love and appreciate......you. Thank you. Xx
