action and drama?.... give me 80's madonna

Who really has time for drama & petty bullshit in this day and age? (and no, I'm not talking TV)  Funny how such little things can really get on your nerves though right?

Workplace drama, petty behaviour and gossip gets some people through the day.  I won't lie, I do enjoy a juicy story every now and again, who doesn't?  But you can keep the drama and pettiness. It's a real issue.  It effects productivity, lowers morale and results in a negative place that nobody wants to come to.  It never fails to astound me that some people really care THAT much about the most trivial and menial tasks.  And then I start to wonder what drives these people to care, complain and get so engrossed in the little things.  Is it a lust for power/control over others? taking advantage of a situation to have a go at others? an inability to focus on the bigger picture? or perhaps just a severe case of anal retentiveness?  

Then there is the dramatic friend, we all know of at least one.  You can never do enough for them, say the exact right thing, be there at the exact right time or be on par with their other best friends.  I used to think this was exclusive to teenage girls.  How wrong was I? Here I am at almost 40 still hearing females AND males carry on as if they were in the school yard with their he said/she said bullshit! I am left confused and can only conclude that these people must think life needs to be like it is on Neighbours or The Bold & The Beautiful.

Of course, we all see this kind of crap on facebook.  The woe is me status, the passive aggressive post purposefullly not including someone, the endless memes that state the bleeding obvious.  All of it petty and pointless.  At times it's irritating but I do my best to ignore them until..... the random politically correct type that feels the need to lay on the pièce de résistance of pettiness by labelling such things as "first world problems". No shit Sherlock! Yes, we all ONLY have first world problems.  I honestly do feel that people only say that to stir the pot and cause even more drama and/or bring focus to themselves (to be seen as superior perhaps?).

Both drama & pettiness are the uncalled-for annoyance in our every day lives.  Personally I have nil interest in getting involved with such trivialities. Drama is something I avoid at all costs.  Maybe that's because I've had more than my fare share over the years thus creating a massive shutdown and block when it arises. In saying all of  that, as much as I try and steer clear, the facts are that when dealing with humans there is always going to be some level of drama & pettiness.  It does get on my nerves and at times it drives me insane.  

My way out? I laugh whenever I can (and at whomever I choose).  I have to.  These toxic types of people will drag you down into their misery given half a chance.  They are not worth the wrinkles or sleepless nights of worry that they like to think they create.  For those that thrive on it, you can keep it and 'enjoy' it while I try and focus things I like, for example, 80's Madonna!

How do you deal with the annoying & pettiness delivered to you daily?

why ask why? (i know that i know nothing)

Scio me nihil scire (I know that I know nothing)
Does anyone know anything at all?  Me?  You? 
I don't mean that we are all running about like clueless headless chooks.  Socrates didn't think that either.  So what does "scio me nihil scire" or "I know that I know nothing" mean?

It basically means that just when you think you know it all, you don't.  We are all taught, conditioned and led to believe the notion that once we have read the book, passed the test, experienced the experience that we KNOW it.  Let's take a moment to really think about that.  How many times have you felt like you knew it, like the penny finally dropped and you knew what you had done, where you were and what lay in the future for you? 

What about that time that you first encountered love and loss?  How did you feel?

Now what about the second time?
Did you feel the same?  Exactly the same?
Or did you learn something new? 

I'm guessing that like me every time you think you know it, you finally have the answer, "fate" (or life) throws you a curve ball just to prove that you don't in fact know it all.

For me, it comes when I make bold statements like "I loathe ALL humans", "I have lost so many close to me so I am an expert at grief" or "I have done 'X' and 'Y' is always the result".  I believe that I mean it (in that moment).  I feel confident and strong in my thoughts.  Then I eventually remember that thoughts (and feelings) are not facts.  What happens next is that someone will remind me of the cracks in these statements by igniting a flame in my heart.  Yes, feel love, closeness and warmth from others.  Normally I would label this as a weakness.  That label is disrespectful.  We all have things to learn from each other because we have all had an individual experience of life.  Our prejudices blind us from this sometimes.And it is at this point that "I know that I know nothing" becomes relevant.  Confidence and belief in oneself is nice, sure, it is important even but what is more important is to remember that life is short and we can never know everything.  My mother always said that the day I discovered the word "why" formed who I am.  To this day, I question everything and everyone.  I ache to learn and to know.  I have a desperation to ask why, often.  I am always searching for answers and even when I find them, I am still asking why? if? what?  

What is your experience with this?

then (and there)

i was beaten

i was nothing

i had a heart

you had a weapon

of choice

i said no

you didnt care

twas what you needed

then and there

wasnt always bad

you made sure of that

you had a heart

and a weapon was

your choice

did you care

within a twisted soul

was it what you wanted

then and there

the naked heart

The word vulnerable comes from the latin 'vulnus' which means 'wound'. today we associate it with being in danger, at risk of attack and generally not being safe. We also say that to be emotionally 'open' is to be vulnerable. I like to think of this as a nakedness of the heart.

To expose your naked heart is a thing of beauty. It is honest & pure. There is no room for bullshit when in the company of vulnerability. It allows fear to be present without the fear controlling and/or stealing the show.  There is nothing quite as precious as sharing the deepest pain & shedding a few tears with someone, be they your best friend or a complete stranger.

We are encouraged to hide our naked heart just as we do our naked bodies once we get past the tender age of 4. Our parents, teachers, friends and the telly tells us to stand up and be strong in difficult times but I wonder what would happen if we allowed equal time to accepting a vulnerability to sit within us.  So i pass it over to you, my fellow muses.. Is vulnerability an attractive quality that you admire or something that is revolting & makes you run a mile?

in reply to Deborah Hill Cone of the NZ Herald...

This article was published in the NZ Herald regarding the recent suicide of Charlotte Dawson. Here is my reply:

Oh Deborah, what happened in this life to make you so bitter and nasty towards Charlotte Dawson?  Surely you don't actually believe that someone who so openly discussed her struggles actually completed suicide based on something as flippant as a fear of looking older? I quote you "It is hard being 47. At the crisis of middle age, losing your sexual currency, becoming invisible."  I guess the attraction of the 'cougar' isn't something you are familiar with?

Are you suggesting when approaching 50, people are no longer sexual creatures? no longer desired? no longer worthy? or just so unattractive that they might as well be invisible? Or are you only talking about women? I only ask because I wonder what you would say if it were someone like George Clooney that took his life.  I did read your column on the suicide of respected defense lawyer, Greg King and you seemed to have a bit more compassion and open thought. Why aren't we talking about Greg's sexuality?  Is that because Greg was a man? a lawyer? clever (by your judgement)? And since you aren't one adverse to personal attacks (or is that just ok after someone has completed suicide?), I wonder if your views on Charlotte Dawson and the focus on her losing her "sexual currency" are more to do with you feeling like you are losing your "sexual currency" after your husband left you.

I did my homework, I know you have suffered mild depression (as you put it) twice and I am sorry that you had to endure the torment that depression can bring. I too have suffered depression, on and off for many years.  Sometimes medication helped and sometimes it didn't. That's not really relevant or interesting to anyone else but me is it? I firmly believe that the media need to stay out of the Doctor's office.  After all, they are the ones who have done the training and hear all the details of our ups and downs.

Since we are talking about the most vulnerable and fragile of states, depression that leads to suicide, is it really wise to spout, so vehemently, ones own views on what would help those who are in such a state?  How would you feel if someone who was in an unsafe situation read your article about Charlotte Dawson and came to the conclusion that you were right, that after a certain age they are useless? that if they no longer can pull a younger man their lives are meaningless? that if a woman is childless she has failed?  We, as a society and as women, need to look at what is behind insidious low self esteem. It can manifest as an obsession in ones image, an eating disorder and it can lead to suicide.  You are an educated woman Deborah, one who has some experience with feeling low, surely you have an ability to see behind what is presented on face value.  Or maybe you don't?

I don't agree that "ageing is brutal".  Ageing is a privilege, one that not everyone gets to experience.  Sure, I admit that I am not a massive fan of wrinkles and sagging breasts but I consider myself extremely lucky to be alive with an ability to use my voice.  That voice, as I am sure you know, develops as we age and experience hardships and/or trauma.  

Suicide awareness, prevention and the reporting of it is something that requires urgent global attention.  Mental illness and it's complexities is not something any of us should call judgement on because we don't really know the depths of anyone's battles.  We can only know what they share with us.  It is the responsibility of the media to take care when reporting on such issues and I trust your employer will take note of this.