i can be myself
and you hold me in a way
where others fear to delve
because you know me
and you keep me safe
from all of the demons
that can dominate my space
and it's you that i long for
all day long
because you know me
you're where i belong
Tuesday, 2 September 2014
Monday, 25 August 2014
monday
i wish my room was dark
i don't like the sun
for it stole my heart
and an idea of fun
i cannot face the sky
no, not today
better to dream of love
in my safe hideaway
Wednesday, 20 August 2014
on days like today....
It's a love hate affair
and on days like today
with the sound of your voice
you bring waves of despair
all i can do
is wonder why
why you left me
to fend for myself
it's a cruel fucking world
and i'm doing ok
but i miss you
on days like today.
Tuesday, 5 August 2014
aftermath and connection
August 3rd marks the 100 year anniversary of the beginning of the Great War. Ashamedly, I admit I don't know enough about WWI. What blows my mind is the fact that over 7 million people died in combat and this anniversary came and went without any major headlines. What the hell? I cannot even begin to imagine the impact that war had on families, communities, businesses and the general functioning of the planet in the aftermath. I remember reading (at school) about the hell that took place on the Western Front.
August 3rd is also the 5th anniversary of my late fiance's suicide. This year, while I have coped & functioned better than previous anniversaries, I contemplated the impact of loss. Not only my own personal loss (which is really all I know) but also the influence of grief in history.
It leaves me thinking...
How/why do we not still discuss these events?
Is it really no longer relevant?
Do people forget about the deceased and their existence after time?
Who would we (I) be without trauma/loss?
I can only answer these questions for myself. I don't know how the rest of you feel about these things. Me? I am probably a tad overly sentimental, so these kind of things reach a deep and sacred spot in my heart, one that is reserved for those that I hold dear. The answers, well, my answers stir up all sorts of intense emotions. You know when you try and hold on to a moment or create one in your mind and you can feel it living and breathing through every fiber of your being? When you close your eyes and you are back in that place in time? For me, part of it is from my own memories and part of it is from a strong empathetic connection I have to those who experience suffering.
I get confused by a society that buries the past and wants to live only in the present day. Isn't our future created not only by the steps we make today but by the ones we walked yesterday? Am I the only one that feels that history is one of the richest and most beautiful things? Even when the history is brutal and harsh? On Saturday I went to the National Gallery and surrounded myself with art, some of which dated back to the 15-1600s. I didn't know much about these particular artists or the lives of those they portrayed but to be surrounded with such talent & beautiful of that age made me feel connected to today. It made me feel alive and in love. I was small in a big room of dominant images. Was I the only one who felt this way? It also made me wonder if anything that we do today would be looked back upon in 400 years time to evoke passion (I sadly doubt it). Who were these people in these pictures and what had they seen in their young years?
I've also been thinking about war widows. How the heck did they cope? I can only presume that it wasn't a rare thing to be, so chances were that you would know someone who was also in the same boat and that you would stick together. And I wonder how our great Grandfathers coped on the front with all that blood and gore. The post traumatic stress must have been horrendous but somehow the men that made it home appeared to go back to a 'normal' life. How one does that is beyond me but I guess that we live as we have to and we kind of accept what is on our plate and carry on.
And as a friend pointed out to me today, people are soooooooo saddened by the death of a character on a TV show and will post status after status on facebook about it yet i don't recall seeing ANY status updates declaring any distress about what is going on in Gaza. Are we really that fucking confused? Or are we just too busy to care? to take the time to understand? to have TRUE empathy for something real?
I don't even know the point of this post, nor do I know how loss has impacted your life but I am sure it has. Why don't we talk more? I wish we could shed our barriers and share our stories more freely. I got a tattoo on Sunday, August 3. Part of it embraces my own history that has evolved especially since the suicide of my beloved but it is also the motto of The Royal Air Force. Whatever it's history, this phrase connects me to something bigger than me. What connects you to the universe?........
August 3rd is also the 5th anniversary of my late fiance's suicide. This year, while I have coped & functioned better than previous anniversaries, I contemplated the impact of loss. Not only my own personal loss (which is really all I know) but also the influence of grief in history.
It leaves me thinking...
How/why do we not still discuss these events?
Is it really no longer relevant?
Do people forget about the deceased and their existence after time?
Who would we (I) be without trauma/loss?
I can only answer these questions for myself. I don't know how the rest of you feel about these things. Me? I am probably a tad overly sentimental, so these kind of things reach a deep and sacred spot in my heart, one that is reserved for those that I hold dear. The answers, well, my answers stir up all sorts of intense emotions. You know when you try and hold on to a moment or create one in your mind and you can feel it living and breathing through every fiber of your being? When you close your eyes and you are back in that place in time? For me, part of it is from my own memories and part of it is from a strong empathetic connection I have to those who experience suffering.
I get confused by a society that buries the past and wants to live only in the present day. Isn't our future created not only by the steps we make today but by the ones we walked yesterday? Am I the only one that feels that history is one of the richest and most beautiful things? Even when the history is brutal and harsh? On Saturday I went to the National Gallery and surrounded myself with art, some of which dated back to the 15-1600s. I didn't know much about these particular artists or the lives of those they portrayed but to be surrounded with such talent & beautiful of that age made me feel connected to today. It made me feel alive and in love. I was small in a big room of dominant images. Was I the only one who felt this way? It also made me wonder if anything that we do today would be looked back upon in 400 years time to evoke passion (I sadly doubt it). Who were these people in these pictures and what had they seen in their young years?
I've also been thinking about war widows. How the heck did they cope? I can only presume that it wasn't a rare thing to be, so chances were that you would know someone who was also in the same boat and that you would stick together. And I wonder how our great Grandfathers coped on the front with all that blood and gore. The post traumatic stress must have been horrendous but somehow the men that made it home appeared to go back to a 'normal' life. How one does that is beyond me but I guess that we live as we have to and we kind of accept what is on our plate and carry on.
And as a friend pointed out to me today, people are soooooooo saddened by the death of a character on a TV show and will post status after status on facebook about it yet i don't recall seeing ANY status updates declaring any distress about what is going on in Gaza. Are we really that fucking confused? Or are we just too busy to care? to take the time to understand? to have TRUE empathy for something real?
I don't even know the point of this post, nor do I know how loss has impacted your life but I am sure it has. Why don't we talk more? I wish we could shed our barriers and share our stories more freely. I got a tattoo on Sunday, August 3. Part of it embraces my own history that has evolved especially since the suicide of my beloved but it is also the motto of The Royal Air Force. Whatever it's history, this phrase connects me to something bigger than me. What connects you to the universe?........
*per ardua ad astra is latin for 'from adversity to the stars'.
Monday, 28 July 2014
no love for us now
you held my heart
in the palm of your hands
and to you it's
just a game
and darlin
it's a shame
i'm hanging on to your love
but baby, there's
no love, no love
No love for us now
Because you
you break my heart
with every move you make
you broke my heart
with that one mistake
i've lost count of the times
that you left me
stop playing with my heart
'cause everyone can see
i'm hanging on to your love
you're hanging on to my love
because you
you break my heart
with every move you make
you broke my heart
with that one mistake
baby, there's no
love, no love
no love
for us now
dark days...
days when your body can't move
when you feel so tired
when you sleep around the clock
the mind bound and wired
reasons for living seem so distant
when you feel so alone
when you avoid company
you feel your heart moan
you can't brush your teeth
when you simply don't care
when you lay there and wonder
is anyone there?
words seem so pointless
when you cannot see
when there is no future
for you or for me
sigh when the morning comes
when you dread the long day
when you long for the night
why you don't have a say
smile when you enter the room
when you carry on as you do
when no-one must know
the hell you go through
'how long can it last?
when all you see is blue
when you want it to stop
and nothing is new
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