11/ Current relationship....

A few days break as I was away on holidays but I am back to continue the challenge with a topic that I have touched on in a recent post... relationships. 


Technically, I would be classed as single.  I say 'technically' as I wonder how long one can class themselves as 'widowed' , especially when I was widowed at a young age.  

I am confused by partnerships and wonder why we cannot (or do not) do it alone.  When we are in a relationship are we no longer an individual? Some people do morph into each other.  It baffles me.  Where do their own beliefs and joys go?  Is it part of the sacrifice one makes for the bigger picture of their life?  As I said, it baffles me.

My history of relationships is one full of dramatics and when I think 'would I ever allow another relationship in my life?', I think of all the stress and drama and compromises and I come up with a very simple 'No!' (If only things were so black and white!).  

Of course, not all relationships are bad and not all parts of my own history are bad.  There are many many pros to being in a partnership with another human.  There are the financial, the emotional and the social pros.  And yeah, sometimes I do miss aspects of these things.  I miss being able to discuss the state of the world (political and environmental), the frustrations of the day and having that shoulder to lean on during a crisis.  

I met my fiance when I was in a phase of wanting to run away and live on a farm with cows, horses, dogs and cats (no humans!).  I was all set and ready to leave this rat race and not carry the burden of human interactions.  I didn't run away.  I stayed.  Love was greater.

Being alone, it is hard.  I will not lie.
But for me.....  Relationships make me second guess myself, they make me bat shit crazy.  I constantly wonder/worry what the other person thinks.  I drive myself insane trying to please them.  I feel intense guilt for wanting to do things on my own or with my friends without 'them'.  I can become jealous and paranoid and feel like an out of control lunatic!  When I am single I am not these things.  I am strong and independent and proud (for the most part) of the things I have accomplished.  I can speak up and out without fear of persecution. I can lay about in my pyjamas all day with my beloved animals or I can go for a long drive and clear my mind.  I can make plans or I can live spontaneously.  I can go on holidays with whomever I please, whenever I please as long as the bank account agrees.  I can do all of this without having to consult another person.  Being in a stable relationship with myself is something I am immensely protective of.  It isn't  always easy living with me.  I can be down right horrid to myself at times but building the trust towards and within myself is crucial for my survival.  It is no secret that I don't hold the human race in high regard, I am however, very lucky to have some amazing humans in my life that I would never want to be without.

All in all...
Can I see myself in another long term relationship?  Not really.
Would I reject it if the right person came along? I think I would make it difficult to break down the barriers but if they are the right person, that wont matter ;)

How do you view your history with relationships?
Do you change when in a relationship?
Is your life enriched within your current status (whatever that may be)?..........