white

According to colour psychology, "white is color at its most complete and pure, the color of perfection. White is purity, innocence, wholeness and completion.  In color psychology white is the color of new beginnings, wiping the slate clean, so to speak. It is the blank canvas waiting to be written upon. While white isn't stimulating to the senses, it opens the way for the creation of anything the mind can conceive.

Today, May 29 is a day to wear something white in support of those that suffer from mental illness & those who have lost loved ones to suicide.

White is close to my heart today.

As you most likely know if you follow this blog, I lost my dearest true love to suicide in 2009.  A day has not passed where I do not think of him, talk about him and remember that horrid day.  I have also reconnected with someone from my youth whom I love deeply because they lost someone to suicide in that same year.  Through the horror that we both lived, we came back together and are closer than ever.  I cannot imagine my life without this amazing friend.  We are connected, unconditionally for the rest of our days.  I also made many friends online through a support group I created after Daniel's suicide.  They have helped shape who I have become today.  

The suicide of someone you love quite possibly is the worst thing that anyone can experience.  It is traumatic beyond comprehension.  The silver lining of the experience for me is that I learnt so much about who my true friends are, about my own mental illness and also my own strength.  Something that continues to be tested as the years pass by.  If I was ever tempted to have my future told and I was warned of the trying times I would experience, I am not sure I would be here today or at very least here with the strength that I have.

This past week I have had the fright of my life, being investigated for cancer.  My initial reaction when told "this doesn't look good" was one of complete and total shock.  I would sit and stare and cry randomly and then nothing. I was freezing, no amount of layering, blankets (including the electric one on the bed) would keep me warm. I couldn't eat or drink and would stop talking mid sentence because it was all too much for my wee brain.  I reminded myself of how I was after finding Daniel. I worried about work falling behind, I worried about the impact I would have on my family and I was horrified that there was a possibility that the beacon of light in my life, a boy I would die for, would have to see me sick.  He has enough on his plate with his own anxieties and I did not want to add to that!

There was a little voice in my mind that gently whispered "you can get through this because right now you are, in fact, ok".  I said to one of my best friends, "we are ok even in our final breath".  Slightly morbid but also a beautiful fact.  It was this that got me through a week of ultrasounds, CT scans, MRIs, blood work and internal examinations.  I recalled how I beat acute anorexia in adulthood, how I learnt to live with the suicide of Daniel only 6 months into a stable recovery from the anorexia, how I somehow, through every dark shadow that I have ever carried, survived.  I reminded myself that my heroine once called me a "warrior woman".  I called on the support of all of my friends and family.  Whatever the outcome, I was going to be ok. Why? Because I was (and am) ok in this very fucking moment.  Things are looking good on the results front and while I am still a bit anxious, I can at least start to breath again.  Thank goodness for the stellar people I have in my life whom I can lean on time and time again.

During this week I decided to only deal with the current minute and make no plans for what would happen later that day or in the future.  I did not allow my mind to get ahead of itself.  There was no point for the only thing I had control of was that minute.  And really, that is all we ever have.  This is a major shift for me.  A new beginning.  I am sick to death of negativity and I don't want to be a part of it.  Of course, I am a sarcastic cynic and that will never change but this focus that society and people have on the shitty things in life (and lets be totally honest here... there are WAYYYYY too many bad things going on in the world), I am breaking away from it.  I can't be fucked with it.  It is too draining and fuck it! I want good things!

So today, I wear white for survivors, for those who struggle, for my story, for your story and for new beginnings.  Who or why are you wearing white for?